Until Rotten Tomatoes came along, I used to think movie reviewers were the greatest waste of space on the planet. Reviewing movies is such a subjective thing – “one person’s trash is another person’s treasure” as it were. Not to mention the overly contrived critique of the film that sounded like they were spouting theory straight out of film school. “The aperture in the Abby Singer scene wasn’t properly calibrated to adequately account for the inner struggle and laissez-faire attitude of the heroine as she slowly succumbed to the metaphor of death that was her life.” What!?
But I digress. This post is not about my disdain for movie reviewers, but rather it’s about the worst movie ever made. Sure, we’ve all seen some stinkers in our time – some intentionally campy and cheesy, some not so much intended to be that way but are funny in their own sort of way. And sure, we all have our own opinion of what is good and bad when it comes to cinema. Personally, I don’t care for horror films (and especially not the gross out kind for the sake of gross out like the Human Centipede – never seen it, never will). But I don’t begrudge any person that embraces the horror genre (or any other genre for that matter).
But this particular movie transcends all opinion, it transcends all “I’m cool” with that genre, it transcends all belief (in that I can’t believe I just watched this). This movie just objectively sucks. You need a mechanism of torture to get a prisoner to give up the goods? Show them this movie. You need some sort of disciplinary technique to set your kids on the straight and narrow path? Show them this movie. You want to get back at your spouse just because? Show them this movie.
I don’t want to ruin it for those that haven’t seen it (wait a minute, yes I do). Strike that previous sentence. I’m doing you a favor. You will thank me. Unequivocally, the worst movie of all time is: Knowing, starring Nicolas Cage. Yes, I should have known better than to watch a movie starring Nicolas Cage, so one strike against me there. But I was intrigued by the promising premise. 50 years ago a child with some sort of crazy psychic abilities that heard voices scribbled a bunch of random numbers on what looked like a piece of parchment that was buried in the school time capsule, only to be dug up 50 years later and ended up landing in the hands of the character that played Nicolas Cage’s son. He can also hear these voices.
Long story short, Nicolas is some sort of astrophysicist math genius that discovers the scroll of numbers is really a prediction of the different catastrophes that are taking place all over Earth as he begins to decode the codex. Other than Cage playing a genius, I’m still on board so far. At various points in the movie, we see silent, eerie figures in the background just observing proceedings. They don’t speak. Just kind of show up for a moment, then disappear. A little freaky, a little intriguing. Again, good premise, interesting concept.
Cage giving an Oscar-worthy performance
I’m hooked about two-thirds of the way through the movie. Then the wheels fall off. And I don’t mean just fall off and sort of lazily meander in some random direction. I mean fall the fuck off, roll over innocent children, puppies and unicorns, then do it again.
After Cage discovers the end of the world is imminent due to some upcoming gigantic fart by the sun that will produce a solar flare so powerful it will consume the Earth, the rest of the movie is a mishmash of hysteria and folks trying to figure out what to do. Cage’s kid (and some other kid that’s entered the movie at this stage) keeps hearing the voices in his head and tells Nicolas where to go.
Remember those mysterious men? Aliens. Freaking aliens. Seriously!? They have a spaceship waiting to take the kids to another planet while the adults stay behind and fry. My wife even said to me earlier: “I bet they’re aliens.” And I said: “No way, that’s too lazy.” I had a vision of angels, or other paranormal creatures or something cool like that. Guess what? She was right! They were aliens. Whisking all the kids away to some distant planet while the Earth gets solar flared. Aliens. Freaking aliens. The laziest plot device in the world. I was so pissed I had to rewind the film and make my wife watch the last two-thirds of the movie since she was so “smart” to make the alien call in the first place.
Aliens!? Are you f@#%ing kidding me!?
And just to let you know why I think this is the worst movie ever, I watched this movie about two years ago and still get all fired up every time I think about. The only good thing about the movie is that Cage’s character got toasted in the end. Worst. Movie. Ever. Oh, but I am looking forward to Cowboys & Aliens. Now that looks good.