Monthly Archives: May 2011

Marvel Or DC?

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Today’s post will be relatively short. There’s a poll at the end, so please vote as well. With a plethora of superhero movies hitting the big screen this year and next (and likely 2013 as well), it’s time to raise the age-old question once again (ok, maybe not age-old). And it may turn out that I’m the only one that really cares about this topic at all, but it’s an important question that somebody needs to have the courage to ask. So, here goes. Are you a DC devotee or are you mesmerized by Marvel?

Back when I was growing up, the two big comic book publishers were DC and Marvel (we’ve got a ton more publishers today). And you tended to fall into one of two camps – Superman and all his DC buddies, or Spider-Man and all his Marvel friends.

Personally, I was a Marvel fan. I felt that the Marvel universe was comprised of far more interesting characters with more emotional depth and more compelling storylines that explored loss, joy, suffering, pain and celebration than the cookie-cutter heroes from the DC universe. Agree? Disagree? Not sure what the hell I’m even talking about? Take the poll.

Ok, This Is Just Absurd

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This falls into the “Huh!?” category. A judge in Italy, Guiseppe Romano, has decided to put six Italian seismologists and one government official on trial for manslaughter for failing to warn the public of a pending earthquake that hit Italy in 2009, resulting in the deaths of 300+ people.

We all know that the ability to predict earthquakes is about as reliable as predicting the end of the world. You see some warning signs, you do a bit of math, throw a couple of darts and hope for the best. Ok, it’s a bit more scientific than that – but according to most experts it’s nigh on impossible. It would be like trying to predict when Ann Coulter will ever say anything worth listening to (ok, bad example since that will never happen).

But you get my point. The art (or science) of prognostication is a tricky one. Most in the science community are aghast and appalled at this course of action by the Italian judicial system. And, frankly, they’re probably crapping their collective pants a little bit as well. The precedent a case like this would set if successfully tried would be a bad omen for scientists the world over. You didn’t predict that tornado in time? To the gallows. You didn’t warn us that the volcano was about to erupt? Hang by the thumbs. You didn’t let us know Celine Dion was coming to town? Instant death.

But seriously, the scientists obviously didn’t cause the earthquake, they couldn’t accurately predict the earthquake and they offered warning signs when and where they saw fit. Someone raised this point. If the Pope has a direct communication line to God, why is he not tried every time there is a natural disaster for not warning the world? Isn’t he (the Pope) responsible every time someone dies in a flood, earthquake or hurricane for not issuing a timely warning? It feels like we’re going back to the Middle Ages here.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s devastatingly sad that 300+ people lost their lives. I have no doubt the scientists were grief stricken that 300+ people died in the earthquake (just like any sane, caring human being would be). And if they COULD have done anything at all to accurately predict the quake and save lives, I have no doubt they would have.

If convicted, the scientists could be imprisoned for up to 12 years. The trial starts September 20th. Here’s a link to the story.

Who accurately saw this coming? Absolutely no one.

Tornadoes And Devastation

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Today’s post is going to be one of those “occasionally serious” posts. We all have bad days. Sometimes the day we have is downright shitty. You’re boss sucks. The car broke down. The kids are being tools. The dog got out of the yard. Etc., ad nauseum.

But when we see what is happening to the poor people in Joplin, Missouri and other areas of our country devastated by deadly tornadoes, it sort of puts everything in perspective and reminds us how blessed we really are. I am truly blessed. I have absolutely no question about that – I have an amazing wife, wonderful dogs, a supportive family and I truly, truly like the people with whom I work. But sometimes that’s easy to forget when we get wrapped up in the momentum of our everyday lives. It could be a lot worse. A whole lot worse. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose my house and everything I own, lose family members and friends to some seemingly senseless random act of destruction.

It’s moments like these that bring us back to humanity – that cause us to put aside our petty differences and rally together to help our fellow human beings. It’s moments like these that remind us how fragile and resilient the human spirit really is. If we apply Kevin Bacon’s theory regarding six degrees of separation, the tragedy that is unfolding before our eyes is much closer to home than we might have originally thought. Friends of friends and neighbors of neighbors are likely impacted by this onslaught of nature. Within our circles of friends, we can likely find someone who knows someone who was directly impacted.

Whatever your spiritual persuasion, take a moment to remember those lost and those still numb from loss – through prayer, thoughts, writing a poem or whatever moves you to do so. If you have the means, the survivors will be needing all sorts of help rebuilding their lives – from the mundane like toothpaste and toilet paper to bigger-ticket items like cars and homes. And take a moment to reach out those people in your life that matter to you and remind them that you love them. We’re all in this together, after all.

Below is a picture from Aaron Fuhrman that has made the rounds on the Internet. Just…wow! Here are more of his pictures that capture the devastation in Joplin.

Amazing picture from Aaron Fuhrman -- before and after shot

Worst. Movie. Ever.

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Until Rotten Tomatoes came along, I used to think movie reviewers were the greatest waste of space on the planet. Reviewing movies is such a subjective thing – “one person’s trash is another person’s treasure” as it were. Not to mention the overly contrived critique of the film that sounded like they were spouting theory straight out of film school. “The aperture in the Abby Singer scene wasn’t properly calibrated to adequately account for the inner struggle and laissez-faire attitude of the heroine as she slowly succumbed to the metaphor of death that was her life.” What!?

But I digress. This post is not about my disdain for movie reviewers, but rather it’s about the worst movie ever made. Sure, we’ve all seen some stinkers in our time – some intentionally campy and cheesy, some not so much intended to be that way but are funny in their own sort of way. And sure, we all have our own opinion of what is good and bad when it comes to cinema. Personally, I don’t care for horror films (and especially not the gross out kind for the sake of gross out like the Human Centipede – never seen it, never will).  But I don’t begrudge any person that embraces the horror genre (or any other genre for that matter).

But this particular movie transcends all opinion, it transcends all “I’m cool” with that genre, it transcends all belief (in that I can’t believe I just watched this). This movie just objectively sucks. You need a mechanism of torture to get a prisoner to give up the goods? Show them this movie. You need some sort of disciplinary technique to set your kids on the straight and narrow path? Show them this movie. You want to get back at your spouse just because? Show them this movie.

I don’t want to ruin it for those that haven’t seen it (wait a minute, yes I do). Strike that previous sentence. I’m doing you a favor. You will thank me. Unequivocally, the worst movie of all time is: Knowing, starring Nicolas Cage. Yes, I should have known better than to watch a movie starring Nicolas Cage, so one strike against me there. But I was intrigued by the promising premise. 50 years ago a child with some sort of crazy psychic abilities that heard voices scribbled a bunch of random numbers on what looked like a piece of parchment that was buried in the school time capsule, only to be dug up 50 years later and ended up landing in the hands of the character that played Nicolas Cage’s son. He can also hear these voices.

Long story short, Nicolas is some sort of astrophysicist math genius that discovers the scroll of numbers is really a prediction of the different catastrophes that are taking place all over Earth as he begins to decode the codex. Other than Cage playing a genius, I’m still on board so far. At various points in the movie, we see silent, eerie figures in the background just observing proceedings. They don’t speak. Just kind of show up for a moment, then disappear. A little freaky, a little intriguing. Again, good premise, interesting concept.

Cage giving an Oscar-worthy performance

I’m hooked about two-thirds of the way through the movie. Then the wheels fall off. And I don’t mean just fall off and sort of lazily meander in some random direction. I mean fall the fuck off, roll over innocent children, puppies and unicorns, then do it again.

After Cage discovers the end of the world is imminent due to some upcoming gigantic fart by the sun that will produce a solar flare so powerful it will consume the Earth, the rest of the movie is a mishmash of hysteria and folks trying to figure out what to do. Cage’s kid (and some other kid that’s entered the movie at this stage) keeps hearing the voices in his head and tells Nicolas where to go.

Remember those mysterious men? Aliens. Freaking aliens. Seriously!? They have a spaceship waiting to take the kids to another planet while the adults stay behind and fry. My wife even said to me earlier: “I bet they’re aliens.” And I said: “No way, that’s too lazy.” I had a vision of angels, or other paranormal creatures or something cool like that. Guess what? She was right! They were aliens. Whisking all the kids away to some distant planet while the Earth gets solar flared. Aliens. Freaking aliens. The laziest plot device in the world. I was so pissed I had to rewind the film and make my wife watch the last two-thirds of the movie since she was so “smart” to make the alien call in the first place.

Aliens!? Are you f@#%ing kidding me!?

And just to let you know why I think this is the worst movie ever, I watched this movie about two years ago and still get all fired up every time I think about. The only good thing about the movie is that Cage’s character got toasted in the end. Worst. Movie. Ever. Oh, but I am looking forward to Cowboys & Aliens. Now that looks good.

Married Men Are Right…At Work

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Married men are more often right at work than their male colleagues who are single in a relationship or single in no relationship. And I can prove it. There’s even a handy chart below to show you how it all breaks down. The math doesn’t lie.

Let’s assume that every male gets it right to varying degrees across different social settings – work, home and hanging out with friends. And let’s assume when we add all the scores together across all the different social settings we get 100 percent. That means that sometimes men will be right at work, sometimes men will be right at home and sometimes men will be right with their friends. But how does this make married men more right at work? Let me explain.

Since married men are never right at home, they have to be right somewhere. The law of averages simply works in our favor. There is no way we could be wrong that many times, is there? As a matter of fact, we are so wrong at home that “you’ll be lucky to wake up in the morning with both your balls still attached to your penis.” If I could have represented being right at home with a negative number, I would have.

When married men are hanging out with their friends, the fun-loving banter and easy-going manner of the relationship dictates that we only be right 30 percent of the time to distribute rightness across the group. That leaves being right 70 percent of the time at work.

Single men in relationships are right about 40 percent of the time at home. There are moments when you are just flat out wrong and lucky enough to wake up with your balls still attached – and not by crazy glue. But you haven’t gone “all in” yet so you’re still right about 40 percent of the time as well to preserve harmony in the relationship. The other 20 percent being right is reserved for time with friends.

Single men in no relationship are right 100 percent of the time at home, so are never right at work or with friends. Because you have no freaking clue! I really have no idea what that’s like. Do you guys actually sleep with both eyes closed? At the same time? Wow. That would be cool.

So there you have it. If you need the right answer from someone at work, ask a married man. Chances are he will be right. The odds are on his side.

UFOs And Little Green Men

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It’s Monday. And what better topic to discuss than UFOs. Conspiracy theorists will tell you they exist and alien bodies are being subject to multiple tests in secret government laboratories. Skeptics will tell you that it’s all hogwash and nonsense. Abductees will share stories of anal probes, bright lights and other unpleasantries as they look up that sky in a mystical and tearful sort of way (but that also sounds like a few frat parties I’ve been to, so I can see how it would be easy to get the two confused). The government says…well…nothing really. Silence on all fronts.

Well, I’m hear to set all the stories straight and tell you exactly what UFOs are, where they come from and why you might want to be nice to the next visitor from outer space that you run across (I almost said I’m here to illuminate you, but that sounds too much like Illuminati and…well…I really don’t want them tracking this blog – that wouldn’t end well).

Without further ado, here is the truth about UFOs and where they come from. They are real, of that I have no doubt. But what you are about to hear might shock you.

  • The visitors from another planet: Are not visitors from another planet at all. They are simply a future version of us. I’m not sure exactly what happened that caused them to evolve to look the way they do, but I’m sure it involved solar flares, nuclear explosions, too much Celine Dion and processed foods. Those bodies being held for experiment in Area 51 are somebody’s great, great, great, grandson or granddaughter. It’s very sad, really. But if you look closely, you can see the similarities.

(Scooter the 37th)

(Scooter the 1st)

  • The spaceships: Are really just basic time machines. Somehow, our future generations have figured out time travel and built machines to travel backward and forward in time. That’s all a spaceship really is. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure, it’s high tech and all, but nothing Apple couldn’t build in a couple of years if they really tried (see below). I suspect all the lights and sounds are really more to scare people than serve any real purpose. Most time machines I’ve seen are really not all that complicated once you figure out how to harness the energy of a supernova. I mean think about it. If you could travel back in time and beam up a caveman, wouldn’t you? I’d go get Dennis Bergkamp from the 90s so he could play for Arsenal today. Sweet!

(Wireless Station or UFO Prototype? Hmm...)

  • Life on other planets: Sure, I suppose it’s possible. But not really. I mean, why haven’t we been attacked yet? Their future selves would have already developed the technology to come back and kick our ass. Unless our future selves are protecting us from their future selves! Maybe that’s what’s going on! Either that or maybe we just really don’t rate. I suppose all those other planets might be looking at us and wondering why in the world they would want to come down here and take over this planet. What would be the benefit for them, exactly? Other than Chik-Fil-A I mean.

Anyway, there you go. Now you know the truth about UFOs and “visitors from outer space.” Share with your friends. I’m sure they’ll want to know the truth as well.

Arsenal — Last Game Of The Season & Liverpool Similarities

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It’s Sunday, so I’m going try and not use any bad words. Since I’m writing about Arsenal, I can’t make any promises. It feels a bit like Groundhog Day at the moment. There are any number of articles on Arsenal that have been written in the last three weeks that could be given today’s date, insert Fulham for any of the other teams we’ve played the last three weeks and there you go. We actually finished worse this year than last year.

I’m a huge Ramsey fan, but he completely faded out of the game today and made some very poor passes. I’m also a huge Thomas Vermaelen fan, but he was beaten on both the goals. First one he was trotting back, second one he got beat in the air. Although that was a fantastic save off the goal line. I’m torn about Chamakh – sometimes he looks fantastic and other times he looks clueless.

After watching today’s game and reflecting on the season, it felt a bit (Ok, more than a bit) like watching Liverpool two seasons ago before their abysmal descent. There are too many similarities for my liking (also some major differences as well – like the financial/ownership situation) that make me extremely nervous about next season:

  • Stubborn Manager, Check: During every press conference and every time we read an Arsene Wenger interview these last few weeks, it’s the same story that we’ve heard again and again. No major changes, we are reaching a level of maturity that will pay off soon, no need for any major purchases in the summer, etc. There are a few cracks starting to show and Wenger is opening up ever so slightly, but not really. Benitez stayed the course on his philosophy as well and look where that got Liverpool. Arsene really needs to win something next year or he should be gone if this season wasn’t enough of an indicator that something just isn’t right.  
  • Playing Players Out Of Position, Check: In emergency situations, Manchester United have played players out of position due to injuries. Wenger does it on a regular basis. Arshavin and Nasri are both creative play makers that prefer the role just behind the strikers. Yet both are regularly deployed on the wings. Nasri looks completely disinterested until he has the chance to drift in the middle. Arshavin simply has to go. I think he completed more passes to Fulham players than Arsenal players. Bendtner on the wing? Seriously? Eboue at right back? Really?
  • Key Players Leaving, Check?: We have no idea if Cesc is staying or not, but I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if he goes. Nasri’s departure wouldn’t surprise me either. The other players likely to leave this summer wouldn’t be a problem. However, the departure of Nasri and Cesc would be a big blow, in my opinion. Today’s game (and the Aston Villa game and the Stoke game) showed there is a lack of creativity when Cesc is not on the field. When Xabi Alonso and Mascherano left Liverpool, the following season is when they plummeted down the table like a greased pig.

I hope I’m wrong – really, really wrong. But I have an uneasy feeling next season may be a Liverpool déjà vu moment for Arsenal. Next year, Manchester City, Chelsea, Manchester United and Liverpool will only be stronger. I think Arsenal may potentially be a weaker team – or at the very least not a significantly improved team – come next year. Especially if we lose Cesc and Nasri.

(Who all will be gone from this group next year?)

John Holmes

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Well, huh? Here we are. And here’s another blog post. Looking out my window this morning I don’t see any zombies (well, that’s not exactly true – but not to the extent I was expecting). Either the post-rapture world looks exactly like the pre-rapture world, or nothing happened. Hmm. Either way, we’re changing subjects and moving forward.

To celebrate the lack of our eternal demise (at least until October or January 1, 2012), I felt a poll was in order. Today’s poll is about John Holmes. Now before you start giggling or let your mind wander in that direction, this is more of a scientific/cultural/social experiment than anything. See, I have this theory. It goes something like this.

I believe that 99% (or somewhere thereabouts) of the male population in the US over the age of 30 knows who John Holmes is instantaneously. Without even having to think about it. We were just born knowing – it’s inherent knowledge. Females, on the other hand, have no clue who he is. Regardless of age, I believe that the population of women in this country who know John Holmes hovers close to 1%.

For the past five years or so, I’ve conducted this experiment in a number of different cities on a very small scale. The results have been accurate and staggering. How can one gender know who he is without blinking an eye, and the other gender have no clue? I’d love to hear theories. But first, take the poll below.

Although I believe it’s self explanatory, I don’t want to assume anything. Here’s how it works. You can pick one of four options. For example, if you are a male 30 years of age or older and know who John Holmes is, select the button that says: “Male – 30 or Older – Yes.” Conversely, if you’re a female 29 or younger and don’t know who he is, select “Female – 29 or Younger – No.” Based on my theory, I realize I probably don’t need to break the female choices down by age, but I want to keep it consistent.

So, have fun, be honest and share with your friends and family. The more people participate, the more accurate (or less accurate) my theory becomes. And depending upon how many results I get, I might share the results in aggregate with a leading scientific or social journal, or at least the National Enquirer. And, guys, for the record – if your wife asks you how you know who John Holmes is, good luck explaining that one! On to the poll!

The End Of The World

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Depending on how things unfold tomorrow, this may be my last blog post. You see, the world is on a collision course with The End – and I assume I won’t have Internet access to post anything. Personally, I thought the world ended yesterday with LinkedIn’s $8.9 billion dollar valuation. And of course, true to form, Arsenal dropped to 4th place in the Premier League LAST weekend. If they could have just waited until this weekend, they would have still been in 3rd, the world would have ended and they would have secured automatic qualification for next year’s Champion’s League. But they had to go and make it difficult for themselves.

In case you are wondering how I know the world is going to end, I saw it on the Internet. There is an accompanying commercial as well (below). Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I do have one question though: is it Central Time, Eastern Time, Greenwich Mean Time? I’d like to know if I should sleep in tomorrow or take the dogs for a walk first.

I’m sure most of you will be scrambling to get your affairs in order after reading this disheartening news. Calling loved ones, getting that spa treatment you always wanted, giving your boss the finger at work (I mean what’s he or she going to do, fire you? It’s not like any of us will be going back to work on Monday anyway).

So, with that in mind, here are some tips and suggestions for things you should do before the end arrives:

  • Get right with your maker: Still on a spiritual journey and haven’t decided on a particular religious persuasion? Or maybe your looking to switch teams at the last minute because you’re having doubts? Maybe you haven’t even shopped around for a spiritual home and you’re having an “Oh, shit!” moment. Well, here’s a flowchart to help you through the process.


  • Leave this world with a clean conscience: Confess all your sins and dastardly deeds to your wife/husband/significant other/mom/dad/ex etc. This is no time to hold back and have regrets. Spill the beans, share everything, don’t leave out a single excruciating detail. You’re loved one will appreciate it and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Everyone will feel better. I’m guessing Arnold already knew the end was coming and got a couple of days head start on the whole “leave no painfully humiliating detail out” thing.  
  • Buy something expensive: You always wanted to buy a Ferrari or own a tropical island, or maybe even a Rolex? This is the time to do it. The beauty of it is if you have to make payments, they will likely be deferred for a month or so – by then, it won’t matter, right? You’ve worked hard, sacrificed, walked a straight and narrow path (if that’s true, you can skip step two above) – you deserve this. Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. Go out with a bang.
  • Quit your job:  Admit it, we’ve all wanted to do this at some point in our lives. Have the courage to walk right in there and tell our bosses to take this job and shove it (with apologies to Johnny Paycheck; that’s funny – his name is Paycheck and the song is all about not having one anymore). Well, why wait? How rewarding would it be to embrace the end times after having done the one thing most of us want to do but don’t have the courage to do? Let the impending doom of the world be the tonic you need to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
  • Throw away all those tacky gifts you’ve been given over the years and obliged to keep: That tacky sweater from aunt Sue? Gone. Those stupid ties and socks from your wife? Out the window. Those dumb drawings your kids do and you have to hang on the fridge? In the garbage. First of all, since the world is less than 24 hours from expiring, you won’t have any explaining to do (oh, except maybe to your kids – but it’s a great “teachable moment”). Secondly (see 2, 3, and 4 above), you’ve always wanted to do it anyway. Do you remember exactly how stupid you looked in that sweater? Exactly. That’s a memory that will never be expunged (well, tomorrow it will). It’s a bit of a cathartic moment to let go of all these material possessions that have held you down (oh, except for the new cool ones you bought per bullet point 2).

Hopefully, these are a few tips that will help you prepare for the inevitability of tomorrow. And if, by chance, the world doesn’t end tomorrow – well, good luck. I’m sure your boss will take you back, the payments on the Ferrari probably aren’t TOO bad and your significant other will appreciate that there are no more secrets and you can start from a clean slate. If we survive, you can thank me on Sunday.

Oh, and if we are only half obliterated and it really turns into a zombie apocalypse instead, the CDC has us covered.