Monthly Archives: July 2011

Apparently, Soccer Is The Work Of The Devil (And Promotes Socialism To Boot!)

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What do Satanism, Socialism, Sodomy and Soccer all have in common? They all start with the letter ‘S’. And that has to just be more than mere coincidence, right?

I learned today (via the video below that my wife sent me) that soccer promotes Socialism and is not a part of God’s grand worldview because we can’t use our God-given hands when playing. Can’t use your hands!? What kind of foul, black magic trick of the devil is that!? You especially have to be careful of the Mexicans from Brazil and Puerto Rico.

I guess all our kids playing in the youth soccer leagues are screwed and will forever be sentenced to a life of debauchery and universal healthcare. It’s too late for me – I’m not turning away from soccer. But please let this video serve as a warning to those of you that can still be saved. Go Arsenal!

Why Pornos Should Only Be 5 Minutes Long (10 Minutes Tops)

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Today’s post is going to be short (in letters and words, that is) to stay in theme with the topic at hand. Besides, like a good porno, the fewer words the better – right?

First of all, do I really need to explain why pornos need to only be 5 minutes long and scenes 2-6 are just overkill? Guys, you understand where I’m coming from. Gals, if this doesn’t make sense, ask one of your male friends. Or your dad.

The 5-minute porno idea borrows from the casual game market – casual pornos, as it were. Zynga revolutionized the casual game market and in the process made jillions of dollars.

How about a new company called Shornos (short pornos) that does the same for the porn industry? Instead of Farmville or Words with Friends, how about Firmville or Friends with Friends?

Ok, enough random thoughts for today. Also, no pictures with today’s post. Just let your imagination run wild. :)

How To Improve Attendance At Women’s Sporting Events

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Simple. Lingerie. If women athletes wore lingerie while participating in said sporting event, I’m pretty sure attendance (and TV viewership) would increase (especially among the audience that tends to go to sporting events). Now, before you call me sexist and threaten to beat me senseless with my own arm that you recently detached from my body, hear me out. Btw, I’m also a little bit lazy (or busy elsewhere), so some of my research numbers will be older, and I’m going to make some educated guesses here and there as well. But you’ll see in the end that I’m right.

Men are Pigs: It’s true. Men are. Well, not all men – but most men. And there is a belief in the world of marketing that the best way to brand/market a product is to meet your audience where they are.

Guys, this...

Well, where are men when it comes to spectator activities involving women? At strip clubs, mostly. Based on some data I stumbled across while searching for strip club financial numbers (hear that, oh lovely wife of mine – “research” on strip club “numbers” for an “important” article), the strip club industry in the US was a $3 billion dollar industry in 2002 (probably bigger today). To put this in perspective, the NFL is a $6-$7 billion industry.

...or this?

Men (the ones that are pigs, I mean – not the ones writing/reading this blog) love watching women bounce around in scantily clad outfits (or nothing at all). Not surprisingly, men seem to be loving the Lingerie Football League (yes, a real league – more on the LFL later).

Attendance: Statistics and numbers don’t lie (unless you need them to tell a different story). Average attendance at WNBA games is about 8,000. Average attendance at Women’s Professional Soccer (WPS) soccer games is about 4,000. Attendance at one of the Lingerie Bowls (the game played in connection with the Super Bowl during halftime)? 15,000. On top of that, apparently “millions of viewers” worldwide pay to watch the halftime show as well. See. Lingerie works. And if female football players can play in their skivvies, then why can’t female basketball players and female soccer players do the same? Hell, volleyball players practically play in their nighties already.

Besides, more men attend sporting events than women (on average, 35 percent of attendees at an NFL game are women). And considering men are pigs (see point 1 above), the lingerie angle would likely drive increased attendance among the sector of the audience that are most likely to attend a sporting event in the first place. And let’s face it – if men want to see women wearing drab, non-sexy clothing, they can just stay home with their wives.

Women as Athletes, Seriously? Come on. Women aren’t really athletes, are they? I mean they play sports so they can end up on Maxim’s list or in Playboy, not because they want to be recognized as athletes. If women really wanted to be recognized for their athletic prowess, they would have more than 2 of their ilk in the top 20 on the AP, ESPN and SI list of Greatest Athletes of the 20th Century. Anna Kournikova proved to the world that it’s more about the sex factor than the sport.

Tennis, anyone?

And let’s recap for a minute that a) men are pigs; b) men attend sporting events more than women; and c) men are afraid of women being athletic (i.e., better than them at any given sport). Yea, a woman can be hot playing a sport, but athletic? Please. That’s just silly nonsense. As long as women understand their role when it comes to athletics (being hot and sexy) then the idea of wearing lingerie is really a no brainer. I mean, is it really any surprise that not many people in this country have a clue who Babe Didrikson is, even though she’s considered one of the top 10 athletes of all time in this country (and the only woman on the top 10 list)? Thought so.

So, there it is. A pretty compelling and airtight argument if you ask me. Ladies, go throw on a teddy and get out on the field (or court). Victoria’s Secret sponsorships for all!