Monthly Archives: February 2012

Search Terms Gone Awry

Posted on by
7

So…I decided it might be fun to see what search terms people are using to get to my blog. Now that I’ve seen the list, I’m not sure this was such a brilliant idea.

While I admit that some of the terms are very creative and make me laugh, I’m a bit disturbed to discover that “fat man naked” is leading the pack. I guess this is no longer a family blog.

Here are some of the better ones:

  • Fat naked woman with wings – I don’t even know how to wrap my head around this one.
  • Sporting goods process flowchart – Hmm. This could be an interesting idea. Might have to look into creating such a thing.
  • Arsenal fat man – Holy crap! I’m sure there are tons of those – they don’t need my site to see that. Just watch a Premier League game on TV and you’ll get your fill.
  • Wild fat man wearing speedos – Why would anybody on God’s green earth want to see this?
  • Fat naked man skipping through a field – <shudder> It’s important to remember that you can’t unsee something you see, people.
  • Vibrating snake sex toy – That’s all well and good, but how did that lead somebody here? Oh, wait.
  • Carros hot wheels dragtor – I have no idea what that even means.
  • GI Joe fuzzy – Heh, heh. Fuzzy. Ok, stop thinking that way. They’re talking about the fuzzy headed GI Joe toys from back in the 70’s or so.
  • Long pornos – Really? See this post.
  • Arsenal lingerie – Hmm. Another business idea….
  • Aliens knowing Nicolas Cage – When they say “knowing” do they mean “knowing” <wink, wink>?
  • Illustration figuring an obese man on electric cart illustrating the ameerican dream – I don’t know what this means, but that’s pretty damn specific. I also didn’t realize the American dream could be illustrated from an electric cart. Something to ponder.
  • “Andy prince” “puerto rico” – Oh, shit! Somebody searched for me!
  • Anna kournikova lingerie pictures – Frankly, I’m surprised this wasn’t the #1 search term.
  • виктория сикрет vso 137 – Anybody speak Russian?
  • Puppies with naked women – This is just brilliant! For a future post.
  • Lined 3×5 note cards – I’m guessing whoever searched for this and ended up here was a bit shocked. Not quite the Office Max website.
  • Fat man wearing arsenal logo – Hell, just go to Cuatro’s on the weekend. We’re all there!

Arsenal v. Tottenham — The Lord Of The Rings Edition

Posted on by
10

It’s hard not to have a near-permanent smile etched on my face after yesterday’s game. There were some Spurs fans that showed up at Cuatro’s and were obnoxious as hell for the first 40 minutes, but the mood changed dramatically as the game pressed on. It was truly awesome.

The game was a tale of two halves. Not that Arsenal necessarily played poorly in the first half, but the second half was far more delicious and really washed the taste of cock out of the mouth.

The sharpness of the passing, the energy in the midfield, the quickness of Arsenal’s game in the second half (and toward the end of the first half) was a thing of beauty.

This post will be mostly positive, but I do have to say this. The game yesterday exemplifies why I both love and am frustrated by Arsenal in equal measure (ok, I really love Arsenal more than I’m frustrated by the club). We know they CAN play at this level. It would be nice to see us do so more consistently.

Ok, enough of the negative. Here are the player ratings for Arsenal from yesterday’s game:

Szczesny (Gimli) – Wasn’t the best player on the field for Arsenal, but certainly wasn’t the worst. Like Gimli, didn’t play a major role in the victory but had his moments. Also, wasn’t there a scene in on of the movies where Gimli stumbled awkwardly and fell down as the ball went over his head in slow motion and hit the back of the net?

Sagna (Legolas) – Strong, powerful and efficient in a very understated sort of way. Didn’t defeat Sauron all by himself, but the victory would never have happened without his involvement. The arrow into the back of the net for the first goal started the whole chain of events that led to the flaccid display by the cocks on a ball.

 

Vermaelen (Pippin) – He had a few anxious moments, especially at the beginning of the game, but improved as the game went on. Didn’t really emerge as a star of the game, but played a role throughout.

 

 

 

Koscielny (Ent) – Remember the scene in the Two Towers (I think it’s from that movie) when Saruman flooded the area around his tower to wash away the ents, but they just stood there and said, “Fuck You!” and proceeded to own his ass?

 

 

 

 

Gibbs (Merry) – See Vermaelen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Song (Aragorn) – Solid on both offense and defense. Broke up the Spurs midfield, created chances on the offensive side of the ball, was everywhere he needed to be. Went off and found some dead guys to help Arsenal out. Solid, solid play from Song.

 

 

 

Rosicky (The Ring) – He ran the show. The game revolved around him in so many ways. Swift passing, energetic, strong in the tackle, sublime goal. I could go on and on about Rosicky. He was king-for-a-day yesterday. Others stole the spotlight now and again, but he was the glue that bound them together. One Ring to outplay them all, One Ring to pass to them, One Ring to bring them all and in the winning ways bind them.

Arteta (Arwen) – Stayed mostly in the background, but a solid presence nonetheless. When he did step onto the main stage, had a significant impact. Besides having doe eyes for Song, I thought I saw him trundling off with a sick hobbit across a river of horses at some point as Spurs players tried to cross the river and got crushed. Oh, and they both have pretty hair.

 

Walcott (Frodo) – Torrid in the first half and flailing miserably, I think he completed more passes to Spurs players than Arsenal players. But played a major role in the second half that completely changed the storyline and resulted in some sort of magical ring melting in Tottenham.

 

 

 

Benayoun (Samwise) – While technically Frodo’s constant companion, Benayoun had a very solid game. Nothing outstanding, but a key reason we controlled the midfield the way we did. Provided quiet support all around to the attacking force up front. Pretty sure he killed a spider at some point during the game.

 

 

 

Van Persie (Gandalf)— Wow! He conjured a moment of magic in the first half that completely turned the game around. The goal was stunning and Bergkamp-esque. Didn’t one of the UK announcers say his left foot was like a wand?

If You Like Me, Do I Have To Like You?

Posted on by
7

While most of my blog posts try to provide profoundly wise insight and deeply compelling answers to life’s more complex questions, I’m actually stumped this time around and looking for guidance.

The premise for this post comes from a Facebook page I stumbled upon for Latvia. If I like them, they’ll like me back – but it doesn’t end there. Aside from the conditional friendship requirements imposed by Latvia (is this how sensitive international political issues and struggles for independence are handled? “Tell you what, Estonia, if you secede from the USSR, we will too. You go first.”), they offered me a bit of a “carrot” to be their friend as well. Which raises a whole different set of questions for me. Do I need to give a present to someone I like? How much should I spend? Are there any guidelines for appropriate or inappropriate gifts? Do digital gifts count? It’s all very stressful.

So what did they offer me? As far as I can tell, it was a log from a really fat guy. I’m not sure how things work in Latvia, but a log from a fat guy in this country isn’t exactly the type of gift you give to cement a friendship. Maybe to end a friendship, I suppose.

This guy will put a log in the oven if you like Latvia

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against Latvia. I’ve never been but would certainly love to visit someday. I have no doubt it’s a lovely country. I just think if they want to be my friend, they can offer up something better than a fat guy putting logs in an oven (is that a euphemism?). Anything would be better, actually.

But this all takes me back to my original question. If you like me, do I have to like you? And vice versa? If we do like each other, for how long are we required to like each other? Three months? Six months? Does the like go on eternally or until one of us decides to clean up our Facebook page? Have social contracts and obligations changed to the point where mutual liking is the new normal? Or has the act of liking someone become so impersonal and willy-nilly that we do it now as a matter of course with complete strangers without much regard for the implications? Man, that would have changed a lot of things for me back in elementary school. Hell, even high school and college.

Remember when you had to spend months working up the courage to tell Lilliana Naficy that you liked her? The scenarios playing over and over in the mind as you walked over to her at the lunch table, butterflies in the stomach and frog in the throat? “What if she says she likes me, too?” <least likely scenario> “What If she laughs at me?” <more likely scenario> “What if she just shakes here head and looks down?” <most likely scenario>. The thrill associated with the act of liking is gone. Being liked back or not being liked back in a face-to-face setting produces a broad range of very visceral reactions – from sheer jubilation to sheer humiliation. Clicking a button just doesn’t quite conjure the same magical moment.

Anyway, we now live in a brave new world, and I’m still a little fuzzy on all the rules, but here’s what I have to offer. If you like me, or any of my blog posts, I promise I won’t give you a log.

Arsenal v. Milan Player Ratings – The Star Wars Edition Redux

Posted on by
Reply

The game against Milan today is either the hardest game to analyze or the easiest. No analysis. Pages and pages of analysis. They are both the correct approach in their own right.

The thing I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that many of the players on Arsenal are exceptionally talented players, but seem to suck collectively as a team. There’s something there just out of reach, just at the periphery of vision that flits away when you try to look at it directly, something that’s looked at through a lens coated with Vaseline.

The lack of energy and fight was obvious today. But why? Did Arsene not prepare his team properly? Did the players go on a bender in Italy last night? Were they scared of the San Siro? Were they overconfident? Do they not have a “winning mentality”? I don’t know. I’m not even sure Arsene knows the answer at this stage.

Sure, Ox and Henry injected some energy into Arsenal in the 2nd half, but it was more of a brief blip on the heart monitor rather than an electrifying, life-giving, game-changing experience.

It was as if the Arsenal players were wearing their lethargy boots. Maybe it was the equipment manager’s fault. He accidentally brought the lethargy boots instead of the “give a shit” boots. I’ve seen MLS teams play better. Hell, I’ve seen college teams play better.

I was going to use a different player rating system, but fuck it. If Arsenal can be lazy, I can too. It’s back to Star Wars. And there’s really only one character that sums up the play today.

Szczesny (Jar Jar Binks): Didn’t make any terrible mistakes, but no one’s getting a free ride today.

Sagna (Jar Jar Binks): For the first time in as long a time as I can remember, Sagna looked lost in a game.

Vermaelen (Jar Jar Binks): Really just had a shit game from beginning to end.

Koscielny (Jar Jar Binks): Ditto. And then got injured.

Djourou (Jar Jar Binks): “Djourou” <As you say his name, your head slumps down and your voice drops at the end>

Song (Jar Jar Binks): Other than Henry, probably was the best player for Arsenal — which isn’t saying much.

Ramsey (Jar Jar Fucking Binks): My mother always said that if I can’t say anything nice, STFU.

Arteta (Jar Jar Binks): Game passed him by.

Walcott (Jar Jar Fucking Binks): Did he even show up for the game? Was he on the field? Oh, he was?

Rosicky (Jar Jar Binks): The Little Mozart was most definitely not in tune today.

Van Persie (Jar Jar Binks): Ok, he was probably a bit better than that, but it’s a collective Jar Jar Binks moment.

Henry (Jar Jar Binks): He really tried to inject some life into the team, but the players already on the pitch would have none of it.

Arsenal v. Sunderland Player Ratings — Star Wars Edition

Posted on by
4

If you are an Arsenal fan, yesterday’s game against Sunderland was a reaffirmation of the importance of Thierry Henry as an Arsenal legend — his caliber and quality are beyond compare. It doesn’t get any more dramatic than that. To (sort of) quote Ray Hudson, it was orgasmic!

Overall, it was a solid performance from an Arsenal team, but unlike the game against Blackburn a week ago where everyone played out of their mind, yesterday’s game had some solid performances sprinkled with some mediocre performances tinged with a dash of “meh” to create a simmering stew of gutsy win.

And while this article is all about rating the players from yesterday’s game, the number system is really quite boring. So today we are going to rate the players’ performances based on Star Wars characters:

Szczesny (Han Solo): Frozen in carbonite (metaphorically speaking – you know, since he really didn’t have much to do for much of the first half), but came through in the clutch at a couple of very crucial moments of the game to keep Arsenal in it.

 

Sagna (X-Wing Pilot: Nothing flashy as he gets back up to speed after his injury. Good in defensive support and good going forward, but nothing earth shattering.

 

 

Mertesacker (ATAT): Remember the scene in Return of the Jedi when the ATAT gets its legs tangled in the harpoon rope thingy and falls flat on its face?

 

Koscielny (Obi Wan Kenobi): Another calm and assured performance from one of the best central defenders in the Premier League. One or two questionable plays, but otherwise a very solid, consistent outing.

 

Vermaelen (X-Wing Pilot): Similar to Sagna, Vermaelen had a decent enough game with nothing spectacular to show for it.

 

 

 

Song (Jedi Knight): Had a couple of moments of magic, especially when he moved back to the CB role after the collapse of “ATAT” Mertesacker.

 

 

Arteta (Obi Wan Kenobi): Nothing flashy or spectacular, but another solid performance from Arteta. Doesn’t want or need to be the main man, but can be a great mentor to the younger players.

 

Walcott (Jar Jar Binks): Fumbling and bumbling on the pitch. Shows tremendous potential, but doesn’t really know what to do with it. Wanted to see more of the cutting edge we saw in the Blackburn game. Frustrating game for Theo yesterday.

Rosicky (Leia): Played with energy and enthusiasm, but never really affected the plot.

 

 

Oxlade-Chamberlain (Luke Skywalker): Rippling with potential (technical ability, vision, awareness, change of pace, strength), but needs a bit more polish to be consistent on a regular basis. Not a bad performance yesterday, but we’ve seen better. Maybe if he spent a bit more time in the Dagobah System.

Van Persie (Darth Sidious): Not saying this because Robin is evil – he’s anything but because he plays for Arsenal, which makes him inherently good. However, he played more of an observer role yesterday and struck every now and again. Really just a now more than again.

SUBS

Henry (Yoda): A moment of magic before he drifts off into the Force (or returns to New York).

 

Ramsey (Han Solo): Much maligned for his recent play, stepped in at a key moment to completely turn the game around and ensure Luke had a clear shot at the ventilation shaft to make the game 1-1.

 

Arshavin (Ewok): Is there really any other character Arshavin could be? Otherwise uninvolved, showed up at the right place at the right time with a crucial play that completely sealed the victory for the Rebels (er, Arsenal).

Best Cutscenes From A Video Game Ever

Posted on by
1

Do any of you remember the Armed & Dangerous title published by LucasArts back in 2003? It was a fun enough game to play, got a smattering of decent reviews, but never really achieved any mainstream success as far as I remember. A shame, really — the studio that put this game together (Planet Moon Studios) hit upon a formula that I would have loved to have seen replicated across more computer games — namely the cutscenes. Far and way the best cutscenes EVER in a video game.

Thanks to traPWNo for collecting them all in one place (go here to see them all). Below is the first of 23.