Category Archives: Culture

End of the World — Third Time’s A Charm?

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Well, looks like tomorrow December 21st is another scheduled termination date for the big blue marble. So in honor of the world ending (again) (yet again), I thought I’d just repost (repost yet again) what I originally posted back in May 2011 reposted back in October 2011 when the world was supposed to end. I have a sneaking suspicion I may be posting this same blog again sometime in the future. I

Depending on how things unfold tomorrow on December 21st, this may be my last blog post. You see, the world is on a collision course with The End – and I assume I won’t have Internet access to post anything. Personally, I thought the world ended yesterday with LinkedIn’s $8.9 billion dollar valuation on Tuesday with Arsenal’s utter collapse against a team that ranks 65 places below them. And of course, true to form, Arsenal dropped to 4th place in the Premier League LAST weekend. If they could have just waited until this weekend, they would have still been in 3rd, the world would have ended and they would have secured automatic qualification for next year’s Champion’s League. Arsenal just really suck this year. But they had to go and make it difficult for themselves.

In case you are wondering how I know the world is going to end, I saw it (again) on the Internet. There is an accompanying commercial video as well (below). Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I do have one question though: is it Central Time, Eastern Time, Greenwich Mean Time? I’d like to know if I should sleep in tomorrow on December 21st or take the dogs for a walk first.

I’m sure most of you will be scrambling to get your affairs in order after reading this disheartening news. Calling loved ones, getting that spa treatment you always wanted, giving your boss the finger at work (I mean what’s he or she going to do, fire you? It’s not like any of us will be going back to work on Monday December 24 anyway).

So, with that in mind, here are some tips and suggestions for things you should do before the end arrives:

  • Get right with your maker: Still on a spiritual journey and haven’t decided on a particular religious persuasion? Or maybe your looking to switch teams at the last minute because you’re having doubts? Maybe you haven’t even shopped around for a spiritual home and you’re having an “Oh, shit!” moment. Well, here’s a flowchart to help you through the process.


  • Leave this world with a clean conscience: Confess all your sins and dastardly deeds to your wife/husband/significant other/mom/dad/ex etc. This is no time to hold back and have regrets. Spill the beans, share everything, don’t leave out a single excruciating detail. You’re loved one will appreciate it and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Everyone will feel better. I’m guessing Arnold Petraeus already knew the end was coming and got a couple of days weeks head start on the whole“leave no painfully humiliating detail out” thing.  
  • Buy something expensive: You always wanted to buy a Ferrari or own a tropical island, or maybe even a Rolex? This is the time to do it. The beauty of it is if you have to make payments, they will likely be deferred for a month or so – by then, it won’t matter, right? You’ve worked hard, sacrificed, walked a straight and narrow path (if that’s true, you can skip step two above) – you deserve this. Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. Go out with a bang.
  • Quit your job:  Admit it, we’ve all wanted to do this at some point in our lives. Have the courage to walk right in there and tell our bosses to take this job and shove it (with apologies to Johnny Paycheck; that’s funny – his name is Paycheck and the song is all about not having one anymore). Well, why wait? How rewarding would it be to embrace the end times after having done the one thing most of us want to do but don’t have the courage to do? Let the impending doom of the world be the tonic you need to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
  • Throw away all those tacky gifts you’ve been given over the years and obliged to keep: That tacky sweater from aunt Sue? Gone. Those stupid ties and socks from your wife? Out the window. Those dumb drawings your kids do and you have to hang on the fridge? In the garbage. First of all, since the world is less than 24 hours 8 days from expiring, you’ll only have a little won’t have any explaining to do (oh, except maybe to your kids – but it’s a great “teachable moment”). Secondly (see 2, 3, and 4 above), you’ve always wanted to do it anyway. Do you remember exactly how stupid you looked in that sweater? Exactly. That’s a memory that will never be expunged (well, tomorrow on December 21st it will). It’s a bit of a cathartic moment to let go of all these material possessions that have held you down (oh, except for the new cool ones you bought per bullet point 2).

Hopefully, these are a few tips that will help you prepare for the inevitability of tomorrow December 21. And if, by chance, the world doesn’t end tomorrow December 21 – well, good luck. I’m sure your boss will take you back, the payments on the Ferrari probably aren’t TOO bad and your significant other will appreciate that there are no more secrets and you can start from a clean slate. If we survive, you can thank me on Sunday Saturday.

Oh, and if we are only half obliterated and it really turns into a zombie apocalypse instead, the CDC has us covered.

An Open Letter To Chik-Fil-A

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Dear Chik-Fil-A,

We had a good thing going, you and me. Then you had to go and fuck it all up. I now understand how Robert Pattison must feel when he discovered Kristen Stewart was douching around with that director guy.

I was so distraught I thought about moving out of my house and going to stay at Reese Witherspoon’s place for a while until I could figure out my next steps. Oddly, she never returned my calls. Anyway, moving on.

Why couldn’t you just have been Burger King? Then I wouldn’t have given a shit. But no, you’ve gone and shot off your mouth and presented me with a moral dilemma.  Chik-Fil-A? No Chik-Fil-A?

On the one hand, your chicken sandwiches are so tasty and delicious with just the right hint of herbs and spices in the hand-breaded sublime wrapinness that embraces said chicken in its tender folds just so.

And let’s not forget the waffle fries. The waffle fries are the waffliest. The absolute waffliest. The goldeny crisp criss-cross pattern of the fries tickles the palate and teases the taste buds and is a perfect compliment to the perfect chicken sandwich.

And the smell. Don’t even get me started on the smell. It takes me back to a simpler, innocent time when we weren’t even aware Olympians were doping.

On the other hand…what the fuck is wrong with you people? If I remember correctly, Jesus’ two greatest commands were: Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbor as you would yourself. I don’t recall anything in Scripture that even remotely suggests gays and lesbians should be ostracized when it comes to enjoying scrumptious chicken sandwiches.

I’m curious to know how you are going to treat the cows when you find out one of them is gay. Oh, you didn’t know that 8 out of 10 cows in America are gay? There’s a study somewhere on the Internet that says so.

They way I see it I have two choices:

  • Send in a group of rogue cows to steal the super secret recipe from the vault in Atlanta (how will you know the real cows from the rogue cows? You can’t arrest them all).
  • Follow Hilah Johnson’s recipe to make my very own Chik-Fil-Gay sandwich.

Best Political Ad Ever

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Let me make it clear this post is not an endorsement of Roland Sledge for Texas Railroad Commissioner. However, where else but Texas can you hear a candidate talk about peeing on an electric fence in his political ad?

I’m not really sure what Rod Blagojevich has anything to do with the Texas Railroad Commission and Texas politics, but that’s probably due to my child-like innocence and naivete.

If I’ve learned anything from this ad it’s that I shouldn’t pee on an electric fence. Nothing else.

 

Best Musical Ever – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

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A few evenings ago I had an epiphany. Or a sort of re-epiphany, if you will, since I had already had the epiphany once, forgot I had the epiphany, then had the epiphany again. That’s one benefit of getting older – experiencing anew something you’ve already experienced because you completely forgot about it (of course, there’s a downside as well, but that’s a blog post for a different day).

Anyway, I was scanning the fairly limited selection of instant streaming movies Netflix has to offer (yes, I’m still a Netflix subscriber for 2 reasons: 1) there really isn’t another streaming alternative at the moment other than Amazon, and their selection is even worse; 2) I’m lazy. Companies that get me on a subscription model love me because I simply forget that I’m on a subscription model).

So, there I was, back and forth, up and down. Do I want to watch a kung fu movie (ok, another aside – does it seem that all the latest kung fu movies go straight to instant streaming on Netflix?)? Nah. How about a comedy? Meh.

And then there it was. A jewel of a movie (Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band) I had completely forgotten even existed. It was just sitting there all shiny and pretty and spiffy – it reached out to me through the iPad and said, “Andy, watch me.”  So I did. And I felt sort of reborn. It’s hard to describe the feeling of rediscovering something you really loved as a teenager and making that very visceral (re)connection to said item.

I watched it. And I loved it. Again. Now, let’s be clear. The movie is terrible. But…it isn’t. It stars the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton and George Burns. There is no dialogue in the whole movie other than when George Burns speaks or narrates. The entire (very loosely assembled) plot moves forward via song – specifically, via Beatles songs from the Sgt. Pepper’s and Abbey Road albums.

What the Beatles wish they could have been...

The whole movie is so incredibly surreal and feels like one big acid trip (so I’ve heard) from beginning to end. From Peter Frampton in white overalls and white boots, to Steve Martin as Dr. Maxwell and Aerosmith as the Future Villain Band (I won’t even mention the ending). There’s no other movie like it. And likely never will be again. For all intents and purposes, it was an epic failure. Made in 1978, the critics ripped it to shreds (it has a 15% rating on Rotten Tomatoes). It only made $12M and cost $16M to make. Clearly, Peter Frampton nor the BeeGees were ever in another movie again (along with most of the rest of the cast), so it killed a number of aspiring Hollywood careers.

But it is so…freaking…good. Watch it. You can thank me later. Ask my wife. She LOVED it.

Search Terms Gone Awry

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So…I decided it might be fun to see what search terms people are using to get to my blog. Now that I’ve seen the list, I’m not sure this was such a brilliant idea.

While I admit that some of the terms are very creative and make me laugh, I’m a bit disturbed to discover that “fat man naked” is leading the pack. I guess this is no longer a family blog.

Here are some of the better ones:

  • Fat naked woman with wings – I don’t even know how to wrap my head around this one.
  • Sporting goods process flowchart – Hmm. This could be an interesting idea. Might have to look into creating such a thing.
  • Arsenal fat man – Holy crap! I’m sure there are tons of those – they don’t need my site to see that. Just watch a Premier League game on TV and you’ll get your fill.
  • Wild fat man wearing speedos – Why would anybody on God’s green earth want to see this?
  • Fat naked man skipping through a field – <shudder> It’s important to remember that you can’t unsee something you see, people.
  • Vibrating snake sex toy – That’s all well and good, but how did that lead somebody here? Oh, wait.
  • Carros hot wheels dragtor – I have no idea what that even means.
  • GI Joe fuzzy – Heh, heh. Fuzzy. Ok, stop thinking that way. They’re talking about the fuzzy headed GI Joe toys from back in the 70’s or so.
  • Long pornos – Really? See this post.
  • Arsenal lingerie – Hmm. Another business idea….
  • Aliens knowing Nicolas Cage – When they say “knowing” do they mean “knowing” <wink, wink>?
  • Illustration figuring an obese man on electric cart illustrating the ameerican dream – I don’t know what this means, but that’s pretty damn specific. I also didn’t realize the American dream could be illustrated from an electric cart. Something to ponder.
  • “Andy prince” “puerto rico” – Oh, shit! Somebody searched for me!
  • Anna kournikova lingerie pictures – Frankly, I’m surprised this wasn’t the #1 search term.
  • виктория сикрет vso 137 – Anybody speak Russian?
  • Puppies with naked women – This is just brilliant! For a future post.
  • Lined 3×5 note cards – I’m guessing whoever searched for this and ended up here was a bit shocked. Not quite the Office Max website.
  • Fat man wearing arsenal logo – Hell, just go to Cuatro’s on the weekend. We’re all there!

If You Like Me, Do I Have To Like You?

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While most of my blog posts try to provide profoundly wise insight and deeply compelling answers to life’s more complex questions, I’m actually stumped this time around and looking for guidance.

The premise for this post comes from a Facebook page I stumbled upon for Latvia. If I like them, they’ll like me back – but it doesn’t end there. Aside from the conditional friendship requirements imposed by Latvia (is this how sensitive international political issues and struggles for independence are handled? “Tell you what, Estonia, if you secede from the USSR, we will too. You go first.”), they offered me a bit of a “carrot” to be their friend as well. Which raises a whole different set of questions for me. Do I need to give a present to someone I like? How much should I spend? Are there any guidelines for appropriate or inappropriate gifts? Do digital gifts count? It’s all very stressful.

So what did they offer me? As far as I can tell, it was a log from a really fat guy. I’m not sure how things work in Latvia, but a log from a fat guy in this country isn’t exactly the type of gift you give to cement a friendship. Maybe to end a friendship, I suppose.

This guy will put a log in the oven if you like Latvia

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against Latvia. I’ve never been but would certainly love to visit someday. I have no doubt it’s a lovely country. I just think if they want to be my friend, they can offer up something better than a fat guy putting logs in an oven (is that a euphemism?). Anything would be better, actually.

But this all takes me back to my original question. If you like me, do I have to like you? And vice versa? If we do like each other, for how long are we required to like each other? Three months? Six months? Does the like go on eternally or until one of us decides to clean up our Facebook page? Have social contracts and obligations changed to the point where mutual liking is the new normal? Or has the act of liking someone become so impersonal and willy-nilly that we do it now as a matter of course with complete strangers without much regard for the implications? Man, that would have changed a lot of things for me back in elementary school. Hell, even high school and college.

Remember when you had to spend months working up the courage to tell Lilliana Naficy that you liked her? The scenarios playing over and over in the mind as you walked over to her at the lunch table, butterflies in the stomach and frog in the throat? “What if she says she likes me, too?” <least likely scenario> “What If she laughs at me?” <more likely scenario> “What if she just shakes here head and looks down?” <most likely scenario>. The thrill associated with the act of liking is gone. Being liked back or not being liked back in a face-to-face setting produces a broad range of very visceral reactions – from sheer jubilation to sheer humiliation. Clicking a button just doesn’t quite conjure the same magical moment.

Anyway, we now live in a brave new world, and I’m still a little fuzzy on all the rules, but here’s what I have to offer. If you like me, or any of my blog posts, I promise I won’t give you a log.

Best Cutscenes From A Video Game Ever

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Do any of you remember the Armed & Dangerous title published by LucasArts back in 2003? It was a fun enough game to play, got a smattering of decent reviews, but never really achieved any mainstream success as far as I remember. A shame, really — the studio that put this game together (Planet Moon Studios) hit upon a formula that I would have loved to have seen replicated across more computer games — namely the cutscenes. Far and way the best cutscenes EVER in a video game.

Thanks to traPWNo for collecting them all in one place (go here to see them all). Below is the first of 23.

The End Of The World (Again)

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Well, looks like tomorrow is another scheduled termination date for the big blue marble. So in honor of the world ending (again), I thought I’d just repost what I originally posted back in May when the world was supposed to end. I have a sneaking suspicion I may be posting this same blog again sometime in the future.

Depending on how things unfold tomorrow, this may be my last blog post. You see, the world is on a collision course with The End – and I assume I won’t have Internet access to post anything. Personally, I thought the world ended yesterday with LinkedIn’s $8.9 billion dollar valuation. And of course, true to form, Arsenal dropped to 4th place in the Premier League LAST weekend. If they could have just waited until this weekend, they would have still been in 3rd, the world would have ended and they would have secured automatic qualification for next year’s Champion’s League. But they had to go and make it difficult for themselves.

In case you are wondering how I know the world is going to end, I saw it on the Internet. There is an accompanying commercial as well (below). Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I do have one question though: is it Central Time, Eastern Time, Greenwich Mean Time? I’d like to know if I should sleep in tomorrow or take the dogs for a walk first.

I’m sure most of you will be scrambling to get your affairs in order after reading this disheartening news. Calling loved ones, getting that spa treatment you always wanted, giving your boss the finger at work (I mean what’s he or she going to do, fire you? It’s not like any of us will be going back to work on Monday anyway).

So, with that in mind, here are some tips and suggestions for things you should do before the end arrives:

  • Get right with your maker: Still on a spiritual journey and haven’t decided on a particular religious persuasion? Or maybe your looking to switch teams at the last minute because you’re having doubts? Maybe you haven’t even shopped around for a spiritual home and you’re having an “Oh, shit!” moment. Well, here’s a flowchart to help you through the process.


  • Leave this world with a clean conscience: Confess all your sins and dastardly deeds to your wife/husband/significant other/mom/dad/ex etc. This is no time to hold back and have regrets. Spill the beans, share everything, don’t leave out a single excruciating detail. You’re loved one will appreciate it and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Everyone will feel better. I’m guessing Arnold already knew the end was coming and got a couple of days head start on the whole “leave no painfully humiliating detail out” thing.  
  • Buy something expensive: You always wanted to buy a Ferrari or own a tropical island, or maybe even a Rolex? This is the time to do it. The beauty of it is if you have to make payments, they will likely be deferred for a month or so – by then, it won’t matter, right? You’ve worked hard, sacrificed, walked a straight and narrow path (if that’s true, you can skip step two above) – you deserve this. Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. Go out with a bang.
  • Quit your job:  Admit it, we’ve all wanted to do this at some point in our lives. Have the courage to walk right in there and tell our bosses to take this job and shove it (with apologies to Johnny Paycheck; that’s funny – his name is Paycheck and the song is all about not having one anymore). Well, why wait? How rewarding would it be to embrace the end times after having done the one thing most of us want to do but don’t have the courage to do? Let the impending doom of the world be the tonic you need to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
  • Throw away all those tacky gifts you’ve been given over the years and obliged to keep: That tacky sweater from aunt Sue? Gone. Those stupid ties and socks from your wife? Out the window. Those dumb drawings your kids do and you have to hang on the fridge? In the garbage. First of all, since the world is less than 24 hours from expiring, you won’t have any explaining to do (oh, except maybe to your kids – but it’s a great “teachable moment”). Secondly (see 2, 3, and 4 above), you’ve always wanted to do it anyway. Do you remember exactly how stupid you looked in that sweater? Exactly. That’s a memory that will never be expunged (well, tomorrow it will). It’s a bit of a cathartic moment to let go of all these material possessions that have held you down (oh, except for the new cool ones you bought per bullet point 2).

Hopefully, these are a few tips that will help you prepare for the inevitability of tomorrow. And if, by chance, the world doesn’t end tomorrow – well, good luck. I’m sure your boss will take you back, the payments on the Ferrari probably aren’t TOO bad and your significant other will appreciate that there are no more secrets and you can start from a clean slate. If we survive, you can thank me on Sunday Saturday.

Oh, and if we are only half obliterated and it really turns into a zombie apocalypse instead, the CDC has us covered.

How To Improve Attendance At Women’s Sporting Events

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Simple. Lingerie. If women athletes wore lingerie while participating in said sporting event, I’m pretty sure attendance (and TV viewership) would increase (especially among the audience that tends to go to sporting events). Now, before you call me sexist and threaten to beat me senseless with my own arm that you recently detached from my body, hear me out. Btw, I’m also a little bit lazy (or busy elsewhere), so some of my research numbers will be older, and I’m going to make some educated guesses here and there as well. But you’ll see in the end that I’m right.

Men are Pigs: It’s true. Men are. Well, not all men – but most men. And there is a belief in the world of marketing that the best way to brand/market a product is to meet your audience where they are.

Guys, this...

Well, where are men when it comes to spectator activities involving women? At strip clubs, mostly. Based on some data I stumbled across while searching for strip club financial numbers (hear that, oh lovely wife of mine – “research” on strip club “numbers” for an “important” article), the strip club industry in the US was a $3 billion dollar industry in 2002 (probably bigger today). To put this in perspective, the NFL is a $6-$7 billion industry.

...or this?

Men (the ones that are pigs, I mean – not the ones writing/reading this blog) love watching women bounce around in scantily clad outfits (or nothing at all). Not surprisingly, men seem to be loving the Lingerie Football League (yes, a real league – more on the LFL later).

Attendance: Statistics and numbers don’t lie (unless you need them to tell a different story). Average attendance at WNBA games is about 8,000. Average attendance at Women’s Professional Soccer (WPS) soccer games is about 4,000. Attendance at one of the Lingerie Bowls (the game played in connection with the Super Bowl during halftime)? 15,000. On top of that, apparently “millions of viewers” worldwide pay to watch the halftime show as well. See. Lingerie works. And if female football players can play in their skivvies, then why can’t female basketball players and female soccer players do the same? Hell, volleyball players practically play in their nighties already.

Besides, more men attend sporting events than women (on average, 35 percent of attendees at an NFL game are women). And considering men are pigs (see point 1 above), the lingerie angle would likely drive increased attendance among the sector of the audience that are most likely to attend a sporting event in the first place. And let’s face it – if men want to see women wearing drab, non-sexy clothing, they can just stay home with their wives.

Women as Athletes, Seriously? Come on. Women aren’t really athletes, are they? I mean they play sports so they can end up on Maxim’s list or in Playboy, not because they want to be recognized as athletes. If women really wanted to be recognized for their athletic prowess, they would have more than 2 of their ilk in the top 20 on the AP, ESPN and SI list of Greatest Athletes of the 20th Century. Anna Kournikova proved to the world that it’s more about the sex factor than the sport.

Tennis, anyone?

And let’s recap for a minute that a) men are pigs; b) men attend sporting events more than women; and c) men are afraid of women being athletic (i.e., better than them at any given sport). Yea, a woman can be hot playing a sport, but athletic? Please. That’s just silly nonsense. As long as women understand their role when it comes to athletics (being hot and sexy) then the idea of wearing lingerie is really a no brainer. I mean, is it really any surprise that not many people in this country have a clue who Babe Didrikson is, even though she’s considered one of the top 10 athletes of all time in this country (and the only woman on the top 10 list)? Thought so.

So, there it is. A pretty compelling and airtight argument if you ask me. Ladies, go throw on a teddy and get out on the field (or court). Victoria’s Secret sponsorships for all!