Well, looks like
tomorrow December 21st is another scheduled termination date for the big blue marble. So in honor of the world ending (again) (yet again), I thought I’d just repost (repost yet again) what I originally posted back in May 2011 reposted back in October 2011 when the world was supposed to end. I have a sneaking suspicion I may be posting this same blog again sometime in the future. I
Depending on how things unfold
tomorrow on December 21st, this may be my last blog post. You see, the world is on a collision course with The End – and I assume I won’t have Internet access to post anything. Personally, I thought the world ended yesterday with LinkedIn’s $8.9 billion dollar valuation on Tuesday with Arsenal’s utter collapse against a team that ranks 65 places below them. And of course, true to form, Arsenal dropped to 4th place in the Premier League LAST weekend. If they could have just waited until this weekend, they would have still been in 3rd, the world would have ended and they would have secured automatic qualification for next year’s Champion’s League. Arsenal just really suck this year. But they had to go and make it difficult for themselves.
In case you are wondering how I know the world is going to end, I saw it (again) on the Internet. There is an accompanying
commercial video as well (below). Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I do have one question though: is it Central Time, Eastern Time, Greenwich Mean Time? I’d like to know if I should sleep in tomorrow on December 21st or take the dogs for a walk first.
I’m sure most of you will be scrambling to get your affairs in order after reading this disheartening news. Calling loved ones, getting that spa treatment you always wanted, giving your boss the finger at work (I mean what’s he or she going to do, fire you? It’s not like any of us will be going back to work on
Monday December 24 anyway).
So, with that in mind, here are some tips and suggestions for things you should do before the end arrives:
- Get right with your maker: Still on a spiritual journey and haven’t decided on a particular religious persuasion? Or maybe your looking to switch teams at the last minute because you’re having doubts? Maybe you haven’t even shopped around for a spiritual home and you’re having an “Oh, shit!” moment. Well, here’s a flowchart to help you through the process.
- Leave this world with a clean conscience: Confess all your sins and dastardly deeds to your wife/husband/significant other/mom/dad/ex etc. This is no time to hold back and have regrets. Spill the beans, share everything, don’t leave out a single excruciating detail. You’re loved one will appreciate it and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Everyone will feel better. I’m guessing
ArnoldPetraeus already knew the end was coming and got a couple of daysweeks head start on the whole“leave no painfully humiliating detail out” thing.
- Buy something expensive: You always wanted to buy a Ferrari or own a tropical island, or maybe even a Rolex? This is the time to do it. The beauty of it is if you have to make payments, they will likely be deferred for a month or so – by then, it won’t matter, right? You’ve worked hard, sacrificed, walked a straight and narrow path (if that’s true, you can skip step two above) – you deserve this. Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. Go out with a bang.
- Quit your job: Admit it, we’ve all wanted to do this at some point in our lives. Have the courage to walk right in there and tell our bosses to take this job and shove it (with apologies to Johnny Paycheck; that’s funny – his name is Paycheck and the song is all about not having one anymore). Well, why wait? How rewarding would it be to embrace the end times after having done the one thing most of us want to do but don’t have the courage to do? Let the impending doom of the world be the tonic you need to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
- Throw away all those tacky gifts you’ve been given over the years and obliged to keep: That tacky sweater from aunt Sue? Gone. Those stupid ties and socks from your wife? Out the window. Those dumb drawings your kids do and you have to hang on the fridge? In the garbage. First of all, since the world is less than
24 hours8 days from expiring, you’ll only have a little won’t have anyexplaining to do (oh, except maybe to your kids – but it’s a great “teachable moment”). Secondly (see 2, 3, and 4 above), you’ve always wanted to do it anyway. Do you remember exactly how stupid you looked in that sweater? Exactly. That’s a memory that will never be expunged (well, tomorrowon December 21st it will). It’s a bit of a cathartic moment to let go of all these material possessions that have held you down (oh, except for the new cool ones you bought per bullet point 2).
Hopefully, these are a few tips that will help you prepare for the inevitability of
tomorrow December 21. And if, by chance, the world doesn’t end tomorrow December 21 – well, good luck. I’m sure your boss will take you back, the payments on the Ferrari probably aren’t TOO bad and your significant other will appreciate that there are no more secrets and you can start from a clean slate. If we survive, you can thank me on Sunday Saturday.
Oh, and if we are only half obliterated and it really turns into a zombie apocalypse instead, the CDC has us covered.