Category Archives: Life

End of the World — Third Time’s A Charm?

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Well, looks like tomorrow December 21st is another scheduled termination date for the big blue marble. So in honor of the world ending (again) (yet again), I thought I’d just repost (repost yet again) what I originally posted back in May 2011 reposted back in October 2011 when the world was supposed to end. I have a sneaking suspicion I may be posting this same blog again sometime in the future. I

Depending on how things unfold tomorrow on December 21st, this may be my last blog post. You see, the world is on a collision course with The End – and I assume I won’t have Internet access to post anything. Personally, I thought the world ended yesterday with LinkedIn’s $8.9 billion dollar valuation on Tuesday with Arsenal’s utter collapse against a team that ranks 65 places below them. And of course, true to form, Arsenal dropped to 4th place in the Premier League LAST weekend. If they could have just waited until this weekend, they would have still been in 3rd, the world would have ended and they would have secured automatic qualification for next year’s Champion’s League. Arsenal just really suck this year. But they had to go and make it difficult for themselves.

In case you are wondering how I know the world is going to end, I saw it (again) on the Internet. There is an accompanying commercial video as well (below). Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I do have one question though: is it Central Time, Eastern Time, Greenwich Mean Time? I’d like to know if I should sleep in tomorrow on December 21st or take the dogs for a walk first.

I’m sure most of you will be scrambling to get your affairs in order after reading this disheartening news. Calling loved ones, getting that spa treatment you always wanted, giving your boss the finger at work (I mean what’s he or she going to do, fire you? It’s not like any of us will be going back to work on Monday December 24 anyway).

So, with that in mind, here are some tips and suggestions for things you should do before the end arrives:

  • Get right with your maker: Still on a spiritual journey and haven’t decided on a particular religious persuasion? Or maybe your looking to switch teams at the last minute because you’re having doubts? Maybe you haven’t even shopped around for a spiritual home and you’re having an “Oh, shit!” moment. Well, here’s a flowchart to help you through the process.


  • Leave this world with a clean conscience: Confess all your sins and dastardly deeds to your wife/husband/significant other/mom/dad/ex etc. This is no time to hold back and have regrets. Spill the beans, share everything, don’t leave out a single excruciating detail. You’re loved one will appreciate it and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Everyone will feel better. I’m guessing Arnold Petraeus already knew the end was coming and got a couple of days weeks head start on the whole“leave no painfully humiliating detail out” thing.  
  • Buy something expensive: You always wanted to buy a Ferrari or own a tropical island, or maybe even a Rolex? This is the time to do it. The beauty of it is if you have to make payments, they will likely be deferred for a month or so – by then, it won’t matter, right? You’ve worked hard, sacrificed, walked a straight and narrow path (if that’s true, you can skip step two above) – you deserve this. Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. Go out with a bang.
  • Quit your job:  Admit it, we’ve all wanted to do this at some point in our lives. Have the courage to walk right in there and tell our bosses to take this job and shove it (with apologies to Johnny Paycheck; that’s funny – his name is Paycheck and the song is all about not having one anymore). Well, why wait? How rewarding would it be to embrace the end times after having done the one thing most of us want to do but don’t have the courage to do? Let the impending doom of the world be the tonic you need to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
  • Throw away all those tacky gifts you’ve been given over the years and obliged to keep: That tacky sweater from aunt Sue? Gone. Those stupid ties and socks from your wife? Out the window. Those dumb drawings your kids do and you have to hang on the fridge? In the garbage. First of all, since the world is less than 24 hours 8 days from expiring, you’ll only have a little won’t have any explaining to do (oh, except maybe to your kids – but it’s a great “teachable moment”). Secondly (see 2, 3, and 4 above), you’ve always wanted to do it anyway. Do you remember exactly how stupid you looked in that sweater? Exactly. That’s a memory that will never be expunged (well, tomorrow on December 21st it will). It’s a bit of a cathartic moment to let go of all these material possessions that have held you down (oh, except for the new cool ones you bought per bullet point 2).

Hopefully, these are a few tips that will help you prepare for the inevitability of tomorrow December 21. And if, by chance, the world doesn’t end tomorrow December 21 – well, good luck. I’m sure your boss will take you back, the payments on the Ferrari probably aren’t TOO bad and your significant other will appreciate that there are no more secrets and you can start from a clean slate. If we survive, you can thank me on Sunday Saturday.

Oh, and if we are only half obliterated and it really turns into a zombie apocalypse instead, the CDC has us covered.

An Open Letter To Chik-Fil-A

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Dear Chik-Fil-A,

We had a good thing going, you and me. Then you had to go and fuck it all up. I now understand how Robert Pattison must feel when he discovered Kristen Stewart was douching around with that director guy.

I was so distraught I thought about moving out of my house and going to stay at Reese Witherspoon’s place for a while until I could figure out my next steps. Oddly, she never returned my calls. Anyway, moving on.

Why couldn’t you just have been Burger King? Then I wouldn’t have given a shit. But no, you’ve gone and shot off your mouth and presented me with a moral dilemma.  Chik-Fil-A? No Chik-Fil-A?

On the one hand, your chicken sandwiches are so tasty and delicious with just the right hint of herbs and spices in the hand-breaded sublime wrapinness that embraces said chicken in its tender folds just so.

And let’s not forget the waffle fries. The waffle fries are the waffliest. The absolute waffliest. The goldeny crisp criss-cross pattern of the fries tickles the palate and teases the taste buds and is a perfect compliment to the perfect chicken sandwich.

And the smell. Don’t even get me started on the smell. It takes me back to a simpler, innocent time when we weren’t even aware Olympians were doping.

On the other hand…what the fuck is wrong with you people? If I remember correctly, Jesus’ two greatest commands were: Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbor as you would yourself. I don’t recall anything in Scripture that even remotely suggests gays and lesbians should be ostracized when it comes to enjoying scrumptious chicken sandwiches.

I’m curious to know how you are going to treat the cows when you find out one of them is gay. Oh, you didn’t know that 8 out of 10 cows in America are gay? There’s a study somewhere on the Internet that says so.

They way I see it I have two choices:

  • Send in a group of rogue cows to steal the super secret recipe from the vault in Atlanta (how will you know the real cows from the rogue cows? You can’t arrest them all).
  • Follow Hilah Johnson’s recipe to make my very own Chik-Fil-Gay sandwich.

Best Political Ad Ever

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Let me make it clear this post is not an endorsement of Roland Sledge for Texas Railroad Commissioner. However, where else but Texas can you hear a candidate talk about peeing on an electric fence in his political ad?

I’m not really sure what Rod Blagojevich has anything to do with the Texas Railroad Commission and Texas politics, but that’s probably due to my child-like innocence and naivete.

If I’ve learned anything from this ad it’s that I shouldn’t pee on an electric fence. Nothing else.

 

Best Musical Ever – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

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A few evenings ago I had an epiphany. Or a sort of re-epiphany, if you will, since I had already had the epiphany once, forgot I had the epiphany, then had the epiphany again. That’s one benefit of getting older – experiencing anew something you’ve already experienced because you completely forgot about it (of course, there’s a downside as well, but that’s a blog post for a different day).

Anyway, I was scanning the fairly limited selection of instant streaming movies Netflix has to offer (yes, I’m still a Netflix subscriber for 2 reasons: 1) there really isn’t another streaming alternative at the moment other than Amazon, and their selection is even worse; 2) I’m lazy. Companies that get me on a subscription model love me because I simply forget that I’m on a subscription model).

So, there I was, back and forth, up and down. Do I want to watch a kung fu movie (ok, another aside – does it seem that all the latest kung fu movies go straight to instant streaming on Netflix?)? Nah. How about a comedy? Meh.

And then there it was. A jewel of a movie (Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band) I had completely forgotten even existed. It was just sitting there all shiny and pretty and spiffy – it reached out to me through the iPad and said, “Andy, watch me.”  So I did. And I felt sort of reborn. It’s hard to describe the feeling of rediscovering something you really loved as a teenager and making that very visceral (re)connection to said item.

I watched it. And I loved it. Again. Now, let’s be clear. The movie is terrible. But…it isn’t. It stars the Bee Gees, Peter Frampton and George Burns. There is no dialogue in the whole movie other than when George Burns speaks or narrates. The entire (very loosely assembled) plot moves forward via song – specifically, via Beatles songs from the Sgt. Pepper’s and Abbey Road albums.

What the Beatles wish they could have been...

The whole movie is so incredibly surreal and feels like one big acid trip (so I’ve heard) from beginning to end. From Peter Frampton in white overalls and white boots, to Steve Martin as Dr. Maxwell and Aerosmith as the Future Villain Band (I won’t even mention the ending). There’s no other movie like it. And likely never will be again. For all intents and purposes, it was an epic failure. Made in 1978, the critics ripped it to shreds (it has a 15% rating on Rotten Tomatoes). It only made $12M and cost $16M to make. Clearly, Peter Frampton nor the BeeGees were ever in another movie again (along with most of the rest of the cast), so it killed a number of aspiring Hollywood careers.

But it is so…freaking…good. Watch it. You can thank me later. Ask my wife. She LOVED it.

Life In Pictures

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I’ve never done a post of just pictures before, so here goes. I stumbled across these recently. They are from our trip to San Francisco in December. There are only nine — they don’t go on forever. :)

I’m no photographer. But you’ll learn that quickly enough looking at the photos.

Jellyfish at Golden Gate Park

Same jellyfish at Golden Gate Park

Ruth Asawa wire sculpture -- just wow!

Ditto!

Bunch of ladybugs pinned to a piece of Styrofoam at Golden Gate Park

Requisite flower...

...and butterfly shots

The skull of a Bullmastiff at Golden Gate Park

Beautiful sunset on the Pacific Ocean

Search Terms Gone Awry

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So…I decided it might be fun to see what search terms people are using to get to my blog. Now that I’ve seen the list, I’m not sure this was such a brilliant idea.

While I admit that some of the terms are very creative and make me laugh, I’m a bit disturbed to discover that “fat man naked” is leading the pack. I guess this is no longer a family blog.

Here are some of the better ones:

  • Fat naked woman with wings – I don’t even know how to wrap my head around this one.
  • Sporting goods process flowchart – Hmm. This could be an interesting idea. Might have to look into creating such a thing.
  • Arsenal fat man – Holy crap! I’m sure there are tons of those – they don’t need my site to see that. Just watch a Premier League game on TV and you’ll get your fill.
  • Wild fat man wearing speedos – Why would anybody on God’s green earth want to see this?
  • Fat naked man skipping through a field – <shudder> It’s important to remember that you can’t unsee something you see, people.
  • Vibrating snake sex toy – That’s all well and good, but how did that lead somebody here? Oh, wait.
  • Carros hot wheels dragtor – I have no idea what that even means.
  • GI Joe fuzzy – Heh, heh. Fuzzy. Ok, stop thinking that way. They’re talking about the fuzzy headed GI Joe toys from back in the 70’s or so.
  • Long pornos – Really? See this post.
  • Arsenal lingerie – Hmm. Another business idea….
  • Aliens knowing Nicolas Cage – When they say “knowing” do they mean “knowing” <wink, wink>?
  • Illustration figuring an obese man on electric cart illustrating the ameerican dream – I don’t know what this means, but that’s pretty damn specific. I also didn’t realize the American dream could be illustrated from an electric cart. Something to ponder.
  • “Andy prince” “puerto rico” – Oh, shit! Somebody searched for me!
  • Anna kournikova lingerie pictures – Frankly, I’m surprised this wasn’t the #1 search term.
  • виктория сикрет vso 137 – Anybody speak Russian?
  • Puppies with naked women – This is just brilliant! For a future post.
  • Lined 3×5 note cards – I’m guessing whoever searched for this and ended up here was a bit shocked. Not quite the Office Max website.
  • Fat man wearing arsenal logo – Hell, just go to Cuatro’s on the weekend. We’re all there!

If You Like Me, Do I Have To Like You?

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While most of my blog posts try to provide profoundly wise insight and deeply compelling answers to life’s more complex questions, I’m actually stumped this time around and looking for guidance.

The premise for this post comes from a Facebook page I stumbled upon for Latvia. If I like them, they’ll like me back – but it doesn’t end there. Aside from the conditional friendship requirements imposed by Latvia (is this how sensitive international political issues and struggles for independence are handled? “Tell you what, Estonia, if you secede from the USSR, we will too. You go first.”), they offered me a bit of a “carrot” to be their friend as well. Which raises a whole different set of questions for me. Do I need to give a present to someone I like? How much should I spend? Are there any guidelines for appropriate or inappropriate gifts? Do digital gifts count? It’s all very stressful.

So what did they offer me? As far as I can tell, it was a log from a really fat guy. I’m not sure how things work in Latvia, but a log from a fat guy in this country isn’t exactly the type of gift you give to cement a friendship. Maybe to end a friendship, I suppose.

This guy will put a log in the oven if you like Latvia

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got nothing against Latvia. I’ve never been but would certainly love to visit someday. I have no doubt it’s a lovely country. I just think if they want to be my friend, they can offer up something better than a fat guy putting logs in an oven (is that a euphemism?). Anything would be better, actually.

But this all takes me back to my original question. If you like me, do I have to like you? And vice versa? If we do like each other, for how long are we required to like each other? Three months? Six months? Does the like go on eternally or until one of us decides to clean up our Facebook page? Have social contracts and obligations changed to the point where mutual liking is the new normal? Or has the act of liking someone become so impersonal and willy-nilly that we do it now as a matter of course with complete strangers without much regard for the implications? Man, that would have changed a lot of things for me back in elementary school. Hell, even high school and college.

Remember when you had to spend months working up the courage to tell Lilliana Naficy that you liked her? The scenarios playing over and over in the mind as you walked over to her at the lunch table, butterflies in the stomach and frog in the throat? “What if she says she likes me, too?” <least likely scenario> “What If she laughs at me?” <more likely scenario> “What if she just shakes here head and looks down?” <most likely scenario>. The thrill associated with the act of liking is gone. Being liked back or not being liked back in a face-to-face setting produces a broad range of very visceral reactions – from sheer jubilation to sheer humiliation. Clicking a button just doesn’t quite conjure the same magical moment.

Anyway, we now live in a brave new world, and I’m still a little fuzzy on all the rules, but here’s what I have to offer. If you like me, or any of my blog posts, I promise I won’t give you a log.

So, Who Should Replace Joe Paterno?

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I have to admit that I’m not much of a Penn State football fan. Actually, I’m rather indifferent. On any given Saturday, I don’t really care if they win or lose. I did, however, think this would be a good time to explore possible replacements for Joe Pa – you know, while the wound is still fresh and all.

Michael Jackson – I don’t think this one needs a ton of explaining. Michael Jackson would be a shoe-in if he were still alive.  His penchant for alleged indiscretions with…um…young fans has him well suited to step into the Penn State role with very little training.

Herman Cain – Herman Cain could be a strong possibility – but he’d need some guidance around going “boyier” with his sexual harassment.

Larry Craig – As long as he stays out of bathrooms in Minneapolis, he should be in good shape. Ok, not really.

Mark Foley – Let’s just call these last three the politico section, shall we? And they are all freaking Republicans! Why am I not surprised? Don’t know how much he knows about football, but being from Florida has to help (his football knowledge, I mean).

R. Kelly – Similar to Cain, he’d need to “boy up” his predatory lifestyle.

Serge Gainsbourg – Hmm. On second thought, he’ll never work out. He’s French – what does he know about American Football?

Father James Porter (or most any Catholic priest, I suppose) – He leads the pack in some ways with more than 200 child molestations to his name.

John Wayne Gacy – He might be a bit over the top with his disciplinary methods (i.e. killing). Besides, he’s dead. And would any of the players really respect a clown? Come to think of it, mentioning Gacy on this list (or Dahmer or Bundy) is really just downright rude and insensitive.

And before you jump down my throat, I realize Joe Paterno didn’t commit any of those heinous acts against those boys. He just watched.

When Being A Sports Fan Is A Swift Kick To The Balls

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Many of the teams I support set records this year. While that may sound like a good thing, it really isn’t. As the title states, it’s more like a swift kick to the balls. Let’s recap.

The Arsenal:
This is the team I support the most. I go to a bar in Austin every weekend morning that Arsenal is playing (sometimes as early as 6 a.m.). The beauty of the games being that early is the folks that tend to drink don’t need to because they are still drunk. But I digress.

"Zees is zo bad, I must poop on ze peetch."

 

The Record: Most goals given up in a game in 115 years. Arsenal shipped eight goals against Manchester United in a game earlier this season. It was humiliating (and comical) all at the same time. Hell, I’ve been an Arsenal fan for 17 years and they had players on the field I’d never even heard of.

 

 

Dallas Cowboys:
I’ve been a Dallas Cowboys fan ever since I was a little kid – raised in a home with parents that were fanatical Cowboys fans. Let’s just say you don’t sit within three feet of my Mom when the Cowboys play if you don’t want a black eye or broken nose.

This is an all too familiar scene.

The Record: Dallas Cowboys v. Detroit Lions. Final score – Dallas 30, Detroit 34.  For the first time in Cowboys’ history, they gave up a 24-point lead. 24-point lead! I really didn’t think it was possible for the Cowboys to lose that game, but they found a way.

 

Houston Astros:
Need I say more? Actually, I don’t follow Houston much anymore (not so much because they suck) because I lost interest in the sport when all the steroids, HGH, going on strike, etc., stories finally turned me off to the game for good a few years ago. I was a huge Astros fan for most of my life, growing up a fan in Puerto Rico because of “Cheo” Cruz.

Well, crap!

 

The Record: Houston racked up more than 100 losses for the first time in the franchise’s history. Winning 100 games isn’t easy. But losing 100 games isn’t much easier. You really have to try to lose 100 games.

 

 

University of Texas Football:
I’ll admit I’m more of a moderate UT football fan than an avid fan. I support them because I live in Austin. I didn’t go to school at UT. I didn’t teach at UT. The only real connection I have to the University is the fact that I live in the same town.

I wonder if I can transfer to A&M?

 

The Record: Oklahoma 55, UT 17. I don’t believe the loss is a record for UT, but I believe it might be something like the third most lopsided score in the history of the rivalry.

 

When I was telling someone about the woes of my sports teams the other day, she gave me a great quote she had heard from a college football coach: “When the locusts come, they eat everything.”

Texas Rangers fans, I feel your pain. Game 6 was two excruciatingly swift kicks to the balls about 20 minutes apart. You never really had a chance to catch your breath.

They Really Said That…

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Other than thinking most Republicans are a bunch of right wing, culture-war-inciting, crazy-as-a-loon, God-misinterpreting, morally bankrupt neocons that don’t have enough intelligence between them to read a science book, I’m politically agnostic. Note to my Republican friends – I said most Republicans, not you guys. Well, except the ones of you that are.

With that out of the way, I thought it might be fun (by fun I mean “did she just say what I think she just said?”) to take a look at some of the more colorful commentaries from some of our more high profile politicians (especially those looking to be President of this great country some day).

I also realize I could have chosen a bunch of questionable quotes for each of the people below (rather than just one), but I’m not sure there is enough room in the blogosphere to accommodate that much…need for a PR person (I was going to say stupidity, but that just seemed too obvious).

Herman Cain

“Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”

I actually watched the interview with the Wall Street Journal reporter that produced this gem. I have a hard time believing this quote will resonate with a) people that aren’t rich and b) people that don’t have a job. In other words, the 99 percent.

Rick Perry

“Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in history is almost treasonous in my opinion.”

This was a quote in reference to Ben Bernanke. For someone who purports to be a supporter of the Constitution, don’t you think he would know the meaning of the word “treason” as it’s defined in the Constitution?

Michelle Bachman

“And what a bizarre time we’re in, Jan, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”

Do I really need to say anything? How do you respond to crazy? I’m guessing her husband maybe had one of those teachers that “recommended” homosexuality. He should just change his name to Cam.

Mitt Romney

“I’m happy to learn that after I speak you’re going to hear from Ann Coulter. That’s a good thing. I think it’s important to get the views of moderates.”

Either Romney has a really wicked sense of humor or he has no idea who Ann Coulter is.

Joe Biden

“If we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, there’s still a 30% chance we’re going to get it wrong.”

Wait? What? Honestly, I’ve never been a big Biden fan. This quote actually explains a lot. For what it’s worth, the “terrorist” quote was pretty stupid, too.

Sarah Palin

“But obviously, we’ve got to stand with our North Korean allies.”

I realize she’s not a candidate, but how can you ever pass up an opportunity to reference a Sarah Palin quote? I think she should be appointed either Secretary of State or US Ambassador to South Korea (Kathy Stephens, you’ve got nothing to worry about).

Glenn Beck

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”

“Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization … And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did. That’s what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing].”

”I don’t think we came from monkeys. I think that’s ridiculous. I haven’t seen a half-monkey, half-person yet.”

”Every night I get down on my knees and pray that Dennis Kucinich will burst into flames.”

While not a politician, how could I leave Glenn Beck off this list? Wasn’t going to happen. There’s just too much paranoia wrapped in bigotry wrapped in misinformation wrapped in stupidity to not include Glenn Beck quotes. Next time, we’ll include Ann Coulter quotes.

Adios MOFOs!