Tag Archives: Arsenal

End of the World — Third Time’s A Charm?

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Well, looks like tomorrow December 21st is another scheduled termination date for the big blue marble. So in honor of the world ending (again) (yet again), I thought I’d just repost (repost yet again) what I originally posted back in May 2011 reposted back in October 2011 when the world was supposed to end. I have a sneaking suspicion I may be posting this same blog again sometime in the future. I

Depending on how things unfold tomorrow on December 21st, this may be my last blog post. You see, the world is on a collision course with The End – and I assume I won’t have Internet access to post anything. Personally, I thought the world ended yesterday with LinkedIn’s $8.9 billion dollar valuation on Tuesday with Arsenal’s utter collapse against a team that ranks 65 places below them. And of course, true to form, Arsenal dropped to 4th place in the Premier League LAST weekend. If they could have just waited until this weekend, they would have still been in 3rd, the world would have ended and they would have secured automatic qualification for next year’s Champion’s League. Arsenal just really suck this year. But they had to go and make it difficult for themselves.

In case you are wondering how I know the world is going to end, I saw it (again) on the Internet. There is an accompanying commercial video as well (below). Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I do have one question though: is it Central Time, Eastern Time, Greenwich Mean Time? I’d like to know if I should sleep in tomorrow on December 21st or take the dogs for a walk first.

I’m sure most of you will be scrambling to get your affairs in order after reading this disheartening news. Calling loved ones, getting that spa treatment you always wanted, giving your boss the finger at work (I mean what’s he or she going to do, fire you? It’s not like any of us will be going back to work on Monday December 24 anyway).

So, with that in mind, here are some tips and suggestions for things you should do before the end arrives:

  • Get right with your maker: Still on a spiritual journey and haven’t decided on a particular religious persuasion? Or maybe your looking to switch teams at the last minute because you’re having doubts? Maybe you haven’t even shopped around for a spiritual home and you’re having an “Oh, shit!” moment. Well, here’s a flowchart to help you through the process.


  • Leave this world with a clean conscience: Confess all your sins and dastardly deeds to your wife/husband/significant other/mom/dad/ex etc. This is no time to hold back and have regrets. Spill the beans, share everything, don’t leave out a single excruciating detail. You’re loved one will appreciate it and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. Everyone will feel better. I’m guessing Arnold Petraeus already knew the end was coming and got a couple of days weeks head start on the whole“leave no painfully humiliating detail out” thing.  
  • Buy something expensive: You always wanted to buy a Ferrari or own a tropical island, or maybe even a Rolex? This is the time to do it. The beauty of it is if you have to make payments, they will likely be deferred for a month or so – by then, it won’t matter, right? You’ve worked hard, sacrificed, walked a straight and narrow path (if that’s true, you can skip step two above) – you deserve this. Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. Go out with a bang.
  • Quit your job:  Admit it, we’ve all wanted to do this at some point in our lives. Have the courage to walk right in there and tell our bosses to take this job and shove it (with apologies to Johnny Paycheck; that’s funny – his name is Paycheck and the song is all about not having one anymore). Well, why wait? How rewarding would it be to embrace the end times after having done the one thing most of us want to do but don’t have the courage to do? Let the impending doom of the world be the tonic you need to do what you’ve always wanted to do.
  • Throw away all those tacky gifts you’ve been given over the years and obliged to keep: That tacky sweater from aunt Sue? Gone. Those stupid ties and socks from your wife? Out the window. Those dumb drawings your kids do and you have to hang on the fridge? In the garbage. First of all, since the world is less than 24 hours 8 days from expiring, you’ll only have a little won’t have any explaining to do (oh, except maybe to your kids – but it’s a great “teachable moment”). Secondly (see 2, 3, and 4 above), you’ve always wanted to do it anyway. Do you remember exactly how stupid you looked in that sweater? Exactly. That’s a memory that will never be expunged (well, tomorrow on December 21st it will). It’s a bit of a cathartic moment to let go of all these material possessions that have held you down (oh, except for the new cool ones you bought per bullet point 2).

Hopefully, these are a few tips that will help you prepare for the inevitability of tomorrow December 21. And if, by chance, the world doesn’t end tomorrow December 21 – well, good luck. I’m sure your boss will take you back, the payments on the Ferrari probably aren’t TOO bad and your significant other will appreciate that there are no more secrets and you can start from a clean slate. If we survive, you can thank me on Sunday Saturday.

Oh, and if we are only half obliterated and it really turns into a zombie apocalypse instead, the CDC has us covered.

An Open Letter To Nike

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Dear Nike,

The last time I looked, Arsenal FC had one of the strongest global brands in world football and was one of the top 10 wealthiest clubs in the world.

So why do the away kits for the club over the last three years look like they were picked up from the bargain bin at some no-name factory outlet on a strip of road called the Devil’s Playground?

If this were a men’s beer league softball team, I’d say the uniforms look sharp and play into the fun-loving, relaxed culture that is men’s beer league softball. But Arsenal FC isn’t a beer league men’s softball team.

Where on God’s green earth did you find that material, that pattern, those colors? And why on God’s green earth did you think Arsenal would like purple? And who at Arsenal thought this was a good idea?

“Anyone care to bet how pissed off I am right now?”

I’m guessing Arsenal told you they didn’t have enough money for world-class kits but would be interested in seeing what youth models you had available. And you fell for it. Those sneaky bastards.

And what hurts my brain even more is imagining the ghastly kits that were either rejected by Arsenal FC or that weren’t even shown to them in the first place. Holy crap! What must have those looked like? Did those get sent to Manchester United?

I sense a bit of chicanery here. I’m now completely convinced that Robin is deciding to leave us because he got an early look at the away uniforms. I have no doubt that’s why Cesc left last year when the jockey silks were unveiled. When Robin was talking about lack of ambition, he was talking about our lack of ambition to have decent away kits. Who can blame him? Not saying Etihad blue is any better, but purple and black stripes? Hmm.

The subtle suggestion might be that Arsenal FC are going to get beat up and bruised aplenty next season. Not funny, Nike. Not funny.

Oh, and I think you owe us two players for scaring off Robin and Cesc (you guys can keep Nasri). Have Phil send a check.

And for crying out loud, didn’t any of you watch “A Christmas Story”? Do you remember how embarrassed Ralphie was? Hmm?

Coincidence? I don’t think so…

I’m still proud to be an Arsenal fan, and I will be until the day I die (and that might happen sooner than later – of mortification, of course – if I have to wear one of those “purple reign” away kits).

Yours truly,

Andy

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Norwich – Collective Epic Fail Edition

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It feels like a slap to the face, a punch to the gut, a kick to the balls, a razorblade colonoscopy, a barbed wire catheterization. Call it what you want, it was incredibly fucking painful. There aren’t enough water bottles in the world to capture the frustration that Arsene must have felt during this game.

Which brings me to another point. After the game, Arsene said: “We have to analyse the reasons why we were not sharp enough in the first half. There is no obvious reason because we prepared normally as we always do, but maybe subconsciously [we thought] we would win it.”

I could pull quotes from him after about ten games this season that say something along the same lines. In a number of the games we’ve lost this season, Arsene seems as utterly surprised at the way the team played as do I. Which raises a question for me (actually, a number of questions) – between Arsene prepping the team and the team playing the game, where do things turn to shit? Is it the players being complacent? Is it Arsene not really preparing the team as well as he thought he did? Is it the other team simply playing harder because it’s Arsenal? I don’t know.

And where the hell was the midfield today? I was honestly surprised not to see them playing a game of hopscotch in the middle of the park (or maybe that’s exactly what we saw). But seriously, where the hell were they?

But the reality is at the beginning of the game (and even with ten minutes left in the game), we were completely in control of our 3rd-place destiny. Now? Not so much. It’s very possible we could even finish in 5th place this year (which is where I thought we’d end up at the end of the season based on comments I made about 4 games ago). We are now reliant on other teams losing – team names I’d rather not mention so as not to sully this blog.

Any way you look at today, it was en epic fail of epic proportions epically. (Presumably) this was Pat Rice’s last home game, Arsene’s 900th game and our last home game of the season.

For me, 4 players do not make it onto the epic fail list – RvP, Ox, Koscielny and Benayoun.

For me, this is the one picture that sums up today’s game.

 

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Chelsea – Dead Celebrities Edition

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Without a doubt, the point today was far better for us than for Chelsea. Don’t get me wrong, I’d have loved the full 3 points, but the point today was a very important point and may make all the difference at the end of the season – assuming we win our next 3 games (yea, I know, big assumption and all that).

I have this image of Arsene Wenger and the team on a trek through some lovely mountains in Europe somewhere, dressed in lederhosen (and puffy coats) and carrying walking sticks. They come to a fork in the trail – the sign pointing to the left says “The Easy Road.” The sign to the right says “The Hard Road.” Arsene stops for a moment, shrugs his shoulders ever so slightly and marches on confidently to the left, strolling along, taking in all the picturesque scenery and basically enjoying himself – until he suddenly realizes no one is behind him. He stops, throws his water bottle to the ground, puts his hands in the pocket of his puffy coat and says, “What the fuck!?”

Today’s game felt a bit like the walking dead on the pitch at times, both teams fairly lethargic – like George Romero wrote the script. So, in honor of the zombie-like performance from Arsenal, here’s the dead celebrity edition of Arsenal player ratings.

Szczesny (John Wayne) – John Wayne’s kind of a bad ass. Saved the day on multiple occasions. ‘Nuff said.

 

 

 

Sagna (Israel Kamakawiwoʻole) – Another quiet, soft-spoken guy who just gets it done. Game against Wigan was a complete anomaly for Sagna, but he looked mostly back to his old self today.

 

Vermaelen (Geoffrey Lewis) – Great character actor, he’s been in a million shows. Always there, always puts in a performance, but never the start. Verm had a good game today, but Koscielny was the star in defense. Ok, technically he’s not dead (Lewis, that is).

 

 

Koscielny (Andre the Giant) – Speak softly and dominate the shit out of your opponent. For me, Koscielny is the glue in the Verm-Koscielny partnership – he was fantastic today.

 

 

Gibbs (Ian Curtis) – So much promise and so much talent is starting to shine through at such a young age. Gibbs has put in solid performance after solid performance and is a real asset to the team.

 

Song (River Phoenix) – River was a very streaky actor, showing periods of exceptional promise followed by periods of befuddlement. Song is in one of those latter stretches. Not his best game today.

 

 

Rosicky (James Dean) – Infinitely cool and composed. Rosicky played another very solid game today. His passes were just a bit off the mark today, but the right idea was there. I was a bit surprised by his substitution.

 

 

Ramsey (Curly Howard) – Do I really need to say anything else? Played himself more into the game as the match wore on. I still believe he will be a key player for Arsenal, just not this season.

 

 

Walcott (Jimi Hendrix) – Just when you think Walcott is experienced, you wonder whether he really is.

 

 

Chamberlain (Janis Joplin) – Not the most attractive celebrity on the planet, but sultry, smooth, raw and a master at her craft. She knew how to engage an audience. Ox is a bit raw at the moment, but he is simply bristling with talent, skill and vision.

 

 

Van Persie (Sid Vicious) – Things kind of went awry for Vicious toward the end of his life. Ok, the wheels fell completely off the wagon. Now, not to say that we need to sell Robin or anything, but to say he had a very uncharacteristic performance today in front of goal would be an understatement. Usually, you would have banked on him making 1 or 2 of the opportunities presented to him today.

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Wigan Athletic – Candy Edition

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Well, that sucked. I mean really sucked. Arsenal are 11 points from claiming 3rd outright (they were in the same boat before the game started, so nothing has changed). When there were 5 games left, that meant Arsenal could lose one but would have to win the remaining 4 (or win 3 and tie 2). Guess what?

Granted, there are losses by other teams that can factor into the 11 points, but to control their own destiny, Arsenal need to win their remaining 4 games. Not impossible, but would have been nice to have a bit of cushion.

The team really didn’t seem up to the game today (I say the team collectively). They said all the right things this past week, talked about focus, determination and mental strength and how Wigan would come in and play for their survival. And you know, that’s what they did. All credit to Wigan for playing a great game.

Hasn’t Wigan done something like this to Arsenal toward the end of the season the last 2 or 3 seasons running? When I watch Wigan play Arsenal at the end of the season, I’m always surprised they are a team on the verge of relegation.

Why is it so hard for Arsenal to have the same focus and intensity against Wigan that they had against Manchester City? Granted we could have had a couple of goals early on – Benayoun was unlikely twice and their goalie had “one of those games.”

Despite the two goals, Arsenal were actually much better in the first half than the second half. Arteta going off didn’t help matters either. From the sounds of it, he’s out for the season.

Candy comes in all shapes, sizes and flavors, which was a bit of the way Arsenal played today. So here it is – the candy edition of Arsenal player ratings.

Szczesny (Butterfinger) – No one better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. But, really, Szcz should have held the ball that led to the 2nd goal. It was a mad scramble in front of goal, but he’s just that good. For the rest of the game he was great (when called into action), but should have done better on goal 2.

Sagna (Mars) – Because that’s where Sagna played today. He was on another planet. He was eaten alive by Moses. I’ve never seen Sagna get owned like that and be that out of position. Easily one of the worst games of his career from this viewer’s perspective. On the 2nd goal, he got smoked by Moses.

Vermaelen (Lunatic Fringe) – There should be a candy called Lunatic Fringe – and it should be named after Vermaelen’s performance today. Holy shit. It was really hard to watch. For the first goal, Vermaelen sort of jogged back toward his goal when Wigan’s counter was on. Benayoun was the player who tracked back the best. He had a number of mental lapses today. The boy was all over the field – playing a CAM role almost more than anything else. A but unhinged today.

Djouro (Percy Pigs) – If you make pork gelatin look cute and give it a catchy name, does that mean it’s no longer pork gelatin? We dress him up like a CB and call him a CB, but is he really a CB? There’s something hidden beneath the otherwise normal looking surface that just isn’t right. Maybe he’s got some Squillaci gelatin in him somewhere (that doesn’t sound quite right).

Santos (Boston Baked Beans) – You thought they were beans, didn’t you? You didn’t realize they are really candy-coated peanuts. And you really thought Santos was a left back, didn’t you? Even though he was as high up the pitch as Vermaelen and defended about as well as my grandmother. I love the guy, though. He makes some great runs forward. Maybe he should be a winger….

Song (Cotton Candy) – Big, flashy presence but no real substance. It looks like there should be some “there” there but there just isn’t any “there”-ness. Song looked like he had just played about 6 games this past weekend. He just wasn’t tuned in, turned on, ready to go. Forced passes, lack of energy in the midfield and sloppy defending defined Song’s game today – and he wasn’t even the worst.

 

Rosicky (100 Grand Bar) – Rosicky is the only one that played with any real FOCUSED intensity. He was all over the field, trying to pressure in Wigan’s half of the field. He was extremely frustrated when he’d put pressure on the defensive backs or goalie and turn around to see the midfielders lollygagging around. He was Arsenal’s best player on the pitch. Although the 1-2 with Robin when he stole the ball in Wigan’s half summed up the game for Arsenal.

Ramsey (Tootsie Roll) – What does a Tootsie Roll look like? Or even Almond Roca? That’s right – a big fat turd. Now, I’m not calling for Arsene to sell Ramsey this summer. I think he’ll come good for Arsenal in a couple of years, but can he play any worse than he is playing right now? If ever an Arsenal player wanted a season to end, Ramsey must be ready for a summer break.

Walcott (Milk Duds) – Plain vanilla at best. The name says it all. Walcott seemed lost today. Actually, the whole right side looked completely out of their element today. Why Wenger left Walcott on and brought Benayoun off is beyond me.

 

Benayoun (M&M’s) – A bit of variety from Benayoun today. He was very industrious at times, faded out of the game at times. I actually thought it was harsh when he was subbed instead of Walcott. I think we would have gotten more production out of him for the rest of the game than Walcott.

 

Van Persie (Hershey Bar) – Plain chocolate without much pizzazz. RvP had a great shot on goal that was saved by Al Habsi and a great cut back to Santos, but faded in and out of the game. To be fair, nobody really stepped up today (other than Rosicky).

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Manchester City – Wild Kingdom Edition

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From 17th place to 3rd place. In a single season. Just savor the smell of that for a moment. It’s such a sweet and satisfying smell. Very different from the smell of the turd that Manchester City is laying at the moment. I realize I’m getting ahead of myself a little bit and that there are still 6 games left to play, but, DAMN, if Arsene Wenger doesn’t deserve manager of the year – even if Arsenal finish 5th or 6th.

And you know what’s creeping into every Arsenal fans’ mind at the moment. Is it possible to overtake City? Is it possible to finish second? We’re ten points off the pace with 18 points up for grabs. It’s mathematically possible. I think it’s ok for the fans to think about that possibility while the players stay focused on the task at hand – securing 18 points. I can dream, can’t I?

Arsenal played such a thoroughly dominating game against City, it was good to see a result when it could have been one of those “coulda’, shoulda’, woulda’” games. But it wasn’t. Arteta stole the ball, struck the ball cleanly from distance and that was it. The Arsenal midfield completely outplayed the City midfield (very different from the performance at Loftus Road).

It really felt like Arsenal were like ferocious beasts on the Serengeti, constantly ready to pounce – and Manchester City was the car full of tourists that gets pounced upon by one of those said beasts. Enter my home, my territory, see what happens.

Szczesny (Lion) – Didn’t really have much to do today. Kind of lazily observed the game from his lofty perch, but went from 0 to defending his turf when it looked like Balotelli might be free for a 1×1 early in the game. For me, that was key play of the game and might have turned momentum in City’s favor.

 

Sagna (Giraffe) – I say Giraffe in a good way because Sagna simply made himself taller than every City player that was around him. He won every freaking head ball that was even remotely close to him. He was absolutely dominant today and munched on the leaves of the Man City tree (I don’t really know what that means, just got lost in the giraffe analogy).

Vermaelen (Wildebeest) – Vermaelen was everywhere today, defending van Persie’s header off the City goal line, playing as an attacking midfielder, running anywhere and everywhere. It almost felt like he was trying to overcompensate for a couple of unlucky moments against QPR, but I wouldn’t want any other CB on my team.

Koscielny (Gazelle) – Agile and quick, and very assured in his defensive position. Like Vermaelen, wouldn’t’ want any other CB on my team. That very neat and composed interception against Aguero (I think it was) – when he stepped between ball and player was absolutely superb. Shame that he will be suspended for two games, but he’ll come back rested for episode Chelsea.

Gibbs (Crane) – At one point, the FSC announcer said that “Gibbs wasn’t a very good defender.” What!? What sort of horseshit commentary is that? Gibbs has played exceptionally well the last few games. I didn’t think he played exceptionally well or exceptionally poorly today – but he was solid enough, and blended into the Serengeti as one of the lesser-noticed denizens that hangs on the periphery but helps keep the ecosystem in balance.

Song (Honey Badger) – Honey Badgers are complete bad asses. Made his freaking presence known. Practically had his leg snapped in two by the former City player know as Balotelli, but dominated in the midfield, broke up play after play and made some great passes on the offensive side of the ball. Song is easily one of the most complete players in the PL this season. I’m torn between Song, Rosicky or Arteta for MotM – so it might just be the entire midfield (although I’m leaning toward Arteta).

Rosicky (Meerkat) – It’s very exciting to see Rosicky getting back to the Rosicky we knew and loved prior to the devastating leg break. He has energy and guile, quickness and determination, and plays with a real sense of purpose. You can see that he really understands the game and has a vision and technical ability to match. I’m hoping this is what happens to Ramsey as well the next couple of seasons.

Arteta (Tiger) – Arteta was fierce and fearless today, putting himself in the right position on nearly every play. He’s not the fastest on the field or even the quickest, but he is one of the smartest and can pounce when you least expect it and impose himself on the game. I think for me he was the MotM today. And, yes, I know the tiger is not part of the Serengeti, but is part of the wild kingdom. :)

Walcott (Cheetah) – Another one of the lesser inhabitants of the Serengeti with speed to burn, Walcott helped keep the City defense off balance to some degree, but not his best game (but far from his worst). Was an important part of the team, but didn’t dominate nor completely disappear. Unlucky not to score.

 

Benayoun (Mosquito) – Man, he was a pesky little thing today. Started out on the left, drifted to the right, found his way to the center. It almost felt like Arsene played a 4-4-2, giving Benayoun a free-roaming role up front. He had a good, solid game today – considering he hasn’t played in quite some time. It would have been interesting to see The Ox play in that same role, but no complaints about Benayoun’s effort today.

Van Persie (Eagle) — Majestic and ever present, even if you don’t always know they are watching. Eagles can cover a tremendous amount of territory, can remain uninvolved for extended periods but just as suddenly strike for the kill. Robin had two killer moments that didn’t fall his way today, and he was all over the field (in a good way), dropping into the midfield to provide support, putting himself in the best possibly position to strike and generally buzzing about the place.

SPECIAL MENTION: Ramsey (Warthog) – This just isn’t Ramsey’s season. I know the call is to sell him, loan him out or bench him, but I’m actually feeling a bit sorry for Ramsey. He’s 21, coming back from a severe leg break, and obviously hasn’t fully recovered. He’s shown flashes of brilliance, so we know he has the technical ability and vision. I think if anyone can get him back on track it’s Wenger – I’m hoping in 2-years time we’re having the same conversation about Ramsey that we are about Song and Rosicky (remember when fans were calling for them to be sold as well?)

Arsenal Player Ratings v. QPR – Fruits & Vegetables Edition

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My, oh my! Arsenal had to go and make it all interesting by losing to QPR. I’m all for interesting – interesting TV shows, interesting books, interesting movies and interesting people. What I’m ready to NOT be interesting is Arsenal’s fight for 3rd place. I’d just as soon we win the last seven games and put any interesting discussions, games, moments in a game, etc., to bed.

Arsenal looked flat. A few players worked hard, a few players looked torrid, but by and large we didn’t look cohesive. The midfield seemed very disinterested on Saturday, the front line lacked any creativity (short of Theo’s pass to himself off the post), the defense got caught out a couple of times and even SZCZ seemed to drift in and out of the game.

QPR had energy and verve. Arsenal did not. Where I felt we really fell apart, though, was in the midfield. They weren’t creative, gave up possession way too easily and left the defense exposed on a number of occasions. The second goal saw an unmarked man at the top of the box have a free shot. Where were Song and Arteta? My guess is they were behind the play admiring the shot.

And somebody please tell me why Ramsey started before Ox and Gervinho? Why? Why isn’t Ox out on the field more regularly? I get the “developing the player” piece, but there are only 7 games left and a mad push for CL football. Wouldn’t you use all your weapons at this stage?

As it stands, we are now tied on points with Spurs and only 5 points ahead of Chelsea. I predicted to some friends before the QPR game that Arsenal would finish 5th this year – I’m sticking to that prediction. And I would be proud of Arsenal for that finish considering they were in 17th at one point. But a post on my predictions will come later. Right now, we need to scrutinize the play of Arsenal from Saturday’s game – in the verbiage of oranges and potatoes.

Szczesny (Broccoli) – Akin to cauliflower, I don’t consider broccoli the sharpest of all the vegetables. In a televised debate, I envision broccoli struggling to name the three vegetable agencies that need to be cut when he is president. SZCZ just looked a little lost and bewildered on Saturday. This viewer was surprised.

 

Sagna (Potato) – I thought Sagna played well – he was solid and consistent. He was good on defense, good running forward. Basically, he provided a solid staple and foundation for a team adrift.

 

Vermaelen (Banana) – Vermaelen has had one of those weird seasons. Slumpy by Vermaelen’s standards a few games ago, solid as can be the last couple of games, and then just a run of bad luck and some poor defending on Saturday. The first goal he got completely turned around by Taraabt. The second goal he slipped on the banana peel, but his midfield buddies didn’t provide any cover for the midfield runner. A bit of a comedy of errors for Vermaelen on Saturday.

Koscielny (Apple) – Delicious and crunchy. He played a solid game on Saturday. Can’t really fault him for his performance. He was where he needed to be when he needed to be there.

 

 

Gibbs (Green Beans) – Similar to Sagna, I thought Gibbs had a very solid game – a key foundational component of a well-rounded meal…I mean game. He continues to impress and will make playing time for Santos difficult.

 

 

Song (Star Apple) – Song is easily one of the best players in the premiere league. He’s fierce in defense and has shown his offensive prowess as well with clever passes. But on Saturday it felt like he was trying too hard to be the offensive star and shirked some of his defensive responsibilities. Too many attempts at the same “clever” pass fell short time and time again.

Rosicky (Raisin) – Technically a shriveled grape. That was a bit of Rosicky’s game on Saturday. Shriveled. Left in the sun too long and dried out. Ox needed to come on for him.

 

 

Arteta (Pear) – I think a pear is a bit of a lazy fruit. It just kind of sits there when the apples, oranges and bananas are getting snapped up. Want to buy me? Fine. Don’t want to take me home? Whatever. Arteta just seemed blasé on Saturday. Not terrible, but certainly didn’t put in the effort we are used to seeing. Especially tracking back.

 

 

Walcott (Corn) – Corn is a fast vegetable. At least in the way our body processes it. As my father-in-law says, you only rent corn. But does it provide any nutritional value? Sometimes, I suppose. He did score a goal, giving us some fleeting hope that things would improve later.

 

Ramsey (Cauliflower) – This is getting to be (sadly) the easiest player rating to write each week. Has Ramsey completely forgotten how to play the game? Is this Wenger’s fault? Is he simply giving him every opportunity to show and play his worth because, in Wegner’s mind, he’s on a knife edge? I don’t know. I like Ramsey, but it’s painful to watch him play this season.

 

Van Persie (Kumquat)— Not your everyday type of fruit. Something you see every once in a while, but not usually on your grocery list. The game we saw from RvP wasn’t something you see every day. Not very involved. Kind of floated in and out of the game. Should have done better in his 1×1 with the keeper (9 times out of 10 you’d bet your house on Robin scoring that goal).

Arsenal Player Ratings V. Everton — Random Characters Edition

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Why random characters? Because that’s about how Arsenal played today. Some players were stellar. Some…not so much. The first 10-15 minutes saw Arsenal playing some scintillating, lively, flowing football, and it looked like the score line was going to be 10-0 Arsenal. Everton were giving Arsenal tons of space to roam around, set up tea appointments, count daises and pick out funny shapes in the clouds. And then they weren’t.

And so much about today’s game is really about perspective. We won. Other teams around us in the table didn’t. Can’t ask for much more than that. In the past few years, we’ve found very creative ways to lose games in the last few minutes. There were times today it felt like we were trying to summon one of those magical moments and give Everton a goal or two, but the rickety, rockety ship held together with duct tape, some spit, and a few fine feats of solid engineering that allowed us to reach the safest port in a storm. In this case 3rd place in the table.

As I said earlier, this felt like a very random game to me – so it only seemed appropriate that the player ratings were based on random characters as well.

The Officiating Crew (Mr. Magoo) – Yes, I consider the linesmen part of the Arsenal team today. All I can say is I’m glad they weren’t giving me a ride home after the game. Sure, it (mostly) worked in our favor today – but, wow!

 

Szczesny (Wimbledon Ball Boy) – I sort of picture Szsc kneeling quietly at the net since he spent most of his time fetching the ball and putting it back in play when Everton was flagged offside – again and again and again. At least he got to work on his distribution. Which still needs some work, btw.

Sagna (Harry Dresden) – Not his best performance. He was beat up, pushed around a bit, caught out of position a couple of times, but did what needed to be done to keep Everton from scoring. He’s going to have some bumps and bruises in the morning, but the victory will take away the sting.

 

Vermaelen (Liu Kang) – Kicked ass. Took names. Was everywhere today – sometimes even playing as an attacking midfielder. He won a decisive aerial battle early on to protect Arsenal-realm and earn a hard fought, but well-deserved victory. His resurgence the last couple of games is a very welcome sight indeed. He is my MoTM.

 

Koscielny (Jason Bourne) – Ok, he didn’t have amnesia, nor did he try to kill a guy on a boat, but he was relentless and tireless. Went on the attack when he needed to and when it made sense. Was strong in the defense when he needed to be. A very solid, efficient game for both our CBs today. Personally, I think Koscielny is one of the top 5 defenders in the EPL.

 

Gibbs (Best Supporting Actor)– Gibbs was good today. He got up the field well and delivered some good crosses, he defended well and made a couple of critical interceptions. It would be great to see Santos back in the starting XI, but it’s hard to complain with Gibbs’ performances of late. And he got healthy first. Btw, if you want to see a great movie with Christian Bale (if you like action flicks), watch Equilibrium.

 

Song (Jack Burton) – Was in the center of it all, but it was never really his fight. He really wanted to be a part of the game. He really wanted to complete some key passes and be a difference maker. He needed to be a part of the team, but it wasn’t his effort and his role that won the game for Arsenal. I’m sure he drives a huge truck.

Rosicky (Invisible Man) – Meh. Wasn’t Rosicky’s best game today. Arteta was playing a much more influential role and distributing better than Rosicky. He had that great shot that Howard saved, but not very involved otherwise.

 

Arteta (Tasmanian Devil) – He was really mixing it up with his former Everton buds. It was good to see a spirited display from Arteta. He worked hard, fought hard, got stuck in a few times. Every once in a while, though, it wasn’t quite apparent what he was doing with all that energy.

 

Walcott (Lennie Small) – Pace but no idea how to use it. It sometimes feels like Theo has the intellectual capacity of a mushroom when it comes to football IQ. You really want to see him succeed and he’s a really likable guy, but you sort of knew where the story line was going as it drew to a very sad and unfortunate conclusion. Only thing is he should have been subbed earlier.

 

Ramsey (Jar Jar Binks) – Come on, Andy! You’ve already used Jar Jar Binks like 3 or 4 times in your Arsenal player ratings. Isn’t this getting lazy, old, stale and frustrating? Yea, no shit.

 

 

Van Persie (Charlie Brown)— I think it’s going to be obvious to everyone that reads this post it’s time to sell Robin. I jest, of course. It just wasn’t falling for Robin today. Lucy kept screwing with his mind. One off the post. One over the net as he unceremoniously slipped to the ground. The corner was beautiful, though. Robin is officially in a slump at this stage.

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Newcastle United – Automobiles Edition

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If Arsenal don’t stop this, I’m going to be dead of a heart attack before we move into 3rd place. Four comebacks in four consecutive PL games (a record). Two at the death. In terms of a euphoric sensation, it doesn’t get much better than what we experienced on Monday against Newcastle United.

The game on Monday we obviously were about as sharp in front of goal as a rusty spoon. We played well in midfield, played well defensively, created the chances in front of goal, but suddenly it seemed as if the Arsenal players made some sort of crazy bet in the locker room to see who could come up with the worst whiff from six yards out or less. Robin set the tone early on, then Rosicky said, “Oh yea, watch this.” Not wanting to be left out of the betting pool, Gervinho had to work extremely hard to miss from that close.

However, I absolutely love, love, love the fight we are seeing in this team at the moment. The “never say die” attitude. Sure, we got kicked in the balls pretty hard a few times, but we stood right back up and executed a wicked crane kick to the solar plexus while balancing on a moderately mended leg. And the best part is we’re getting some key players back from injury at just the right time. Could you imagine Wilshere, Chamberlain and Song running rampant in the midfield? I digress.

Anyway, ten more games to go, 30 points at stake, 5 teams still swirling around the Champion’s League whirlpool. Must. Stay. Focused.

For this game, automobiles seemed appropriate – some are more finely tuned and crafted then others, and every once in a while even your $300,000 car won’t start and needs to be towed. The Arsenal player ratings, the automobiles edition:

Szczesny (Lexus) – A luxury sedan that performs solidly and stops goals like the one that was scored on Monday 9 times of out 10. He’s the real deal, no doubt about it. A definite upgrade at goalkeeper from what we’ve had in the past (a Yugo and a Pacer).

Sagna (Volvo) – I am, of course, referring to the old-school Volvo here when it was still a Swedish company. When they were nothing flashy but extremely reliable cars before they were bought by Ford (and now some Chinese group). Sagna provided a solid, reliable presence on the pitch that (it appears to me) frees up Theo to feel more confident on the wing.

Vermaelen (Bulgatti) – Has some reliability issues from time to time (first goal for Newcastle), but when he decided to shine he decided to shine in a very dramatic fashion and steal the show. Not to mention the full sprint from one end of the field to the other to be in position to score the goal.

Koscielny (Citroen) – Not just saying Citroen just because he’s French. Not really the most attractive car in the world, but world-renown for its comfortable ride. Koscielny doesn’t always play the most attractive football, but there’s a sense of comfort when he’s in the game. Like everything is going to be ok.

Gibbs (Honda) – Solid car, solid performer. Nothing out of the ordinary, but very reliable and dependable. Had a minor blip when he let Ben Arfa turn on him for the first goal, but had a solid game nonetheless.

Song (Mack Truck) – Solid, does a tremendous amount of dirty work, doesn’t complain, stands its ground and doesn’t look for accolades. Song was key in the midfield on Monday, breaking up plays, keeping Newcastle from getting into a rhythm and showing his defensive steel.

Rosicky (Audi) – My personal favorite car brand in the world. Sleek, precisely tuned, superb handling, crisp execution. The perfect culmination of grit and finesse partnered with determination and creativity. Rosicky was a force to be reckoned with in the middle of the pitch. I’m torn between him and Walcott as my MOTM.

Arteta (Ford) – Decent enough car and will get you from point A to point B most of the time. Behind European models in terms of quality and precision, but usually gets the job done. Sort of your “Everycar” if you will. That was Arteta’s game on Monday. Fairly mundane but enough.

Walcott (Ferrari) – Ferrari’s break down a lot and can be expensive to repair, but when all the pieces come together and work in harmony, holy shit! Speed coupled with technique and a bit of football intelligence thrown in and Theo is close to unstoppable. He may be completely unreliable for the next race, but he was absolutely fantastic on Monday. Speed kills.

Chamberlain (Aston Martin) – Smooth, elegant and surprisingly powerful and speedy when you least expect it. Has reliability issues from time-to-time as well, but a thing of beauty when it’s on the road an performing at its peak. Chamberlain is looking stronger and stronger each game, hungry to play, no fear, willing to shoot from the outside and take on challengers.

Van Persie (Monster Truck)— Elegance and refinement be damned, I’m going to be in your face and do what needs to be done. RvP missed a shot that he should have made, scored a key goal that needed to happen, and basically got in the head of Tim Krul and refused to back down. Left some tire treads on a couple of players Monday.

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Milan – Phoenix (not Arizona) Edition

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I don’t think I’ll add anything new to the conversation that hasn’t already been said about Arsenal’s near history-making performance against Milan on Tuesday. It surely was a bittersweet game that had hearts pounding, palms sweating and legs bouncing. How could you sit still? I couldn’t. I think I scared the crap out of my neighbors at one point. But that’s why we love this game (and especially this team).

The performance was very special. It shows what an Arsenal team that plays at a high tempo and with pace can do to nearly any team in Europe. I don’t think any team would have beaten Arsenal on Tuesday night – not Manchester City, not United, not Barcelona. Not even Real Madrid. AOC was an absolute revelation on Tuesday night playing in the central midfield role. Can you imagine a midfield with Song, Wilshere and the Ox on the field at the same time? With Rosicky and Arteta rotating in and out? And Ramsey, too, if he can ever get his shit together. Wow! It’s a very exciting time to be an Arsenal fan.

I normally go through and rate each player individually, but I think the Milan game showed a committed and inspired team effort – therefore, the team will be rated collectively. For me, the Arsenal team that played on Tuesday night feels a bit like the Phoenix rising from its own ashes to be reborn again.

The Arsenix -- kicking ass and taking names.

If you stop and think about where we started the season, and where we are now, it’s nothing short of remarkable. I can’t tell you how many times – according to press on both sides of the Atlantic, as well as a few fickle fans – we’ve been left for dead only to reemerge and confound the “experts.” We’re in 4th place, with a real chance to capture 3rd. I get there’s still a long way to go this season and a top 4 finish isn’t guaranteed, but this group of players should be extremely proud of the way it has overcome adversity and pulled together as a team.

I think the chemistry and camaraderie and fighting spirit on this team with RvP as captain is actually much stronger than last year’s team. Cesc is a supreme talent, no question, but he wasn’t the galvanizing force that was so sorely needed. And we won’t even talk about Nasri.

So, yes, I think the Phoenix is the appropriate symbol for Arsenal this season, and the essence of that Phoenix spirit was captured and on display against Milan on Tuesday night.