I have to admit that I’m not much of a Penn State football fan. Actually, I’m rather indifferent. On any given Saturday, I don’t really care if they win or lose. I did, however, think this would be a good time to explore possible replacements for Joe Pa – you know, while the wound is still fresh and all.
Michael Jackson – I don’t think this one needs a ton of explaining. Michael Jackson would be a shoe-in if he were still alive. His penchant for alleged indiscretions with…um…young fans has him well suited to step into the Penn State role with very little training.
Herman Cain – Herman Cain could be a strong possibility – but he’d need some guidance around going “boyier” with his sexual harassment.
Larry Craig – As long as he stays out of bathrooms in Minneapolis, he should be in good shape. Ok, not really.
Mark Foley – Let’s just call these last three the politico section, shall we? And they are all freaking Republicans! Why am I not surprised? Don’t know how much he knows about football, but being from Florida has to help (his football knowledge, I mean).
R. Kelly – Similar to Cain, he’d need to “boy up” his predatory lifestyle.
Serge Gainsbourg – Hmm. On second thought, he’ll never work out. He’s French – what does he know about American Football?
Father James Porter (or most any Catholic priest, I suppose) – He leads the pack in some ways with more than 200 child molestations to his name.
John Wayne Gacy – He might be a bit over the top with his disciplinary methods (i.e. killing). Besides, he’s dead. And would any of the players really respect a clown? Come to think of it, mentioning Gacy on this list (or Dahmer or Bundy) is really just downright rude and insensitive.
And before you jump down my throat, I realize Joe Paterno didn’t commit any of those heinous acts against those boys. He just watched.