Tag Archives: Premier League

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Wigan Athletic – Candy Edition

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Well, that sucked. I mean really sucked. Arsenal are 11 points from claiming 3rd outright (they were in the same boat before the game started, so nothing has changed). When there were 5 games left, that meant Arsenal could lose one but would have to win the remaining 4 (or win 3 and tie 2). Guess what?

Granted, there are losses by other teams that can factor into the 11 points, but to control their own destiny, Arsenal need to win their remaining 4 games. Not impossible, but would have been nice to have a bit of cushion.

The team really didn’t seem up to the game today (I say the team collectively). They said all the right things this past week, talked about focus, determination and mental strength and how Wigan would come in and play for their survival. And you know, that’s what they did. All credit to Wigan for playing a great game.

Hasn’t Wigan done something like this to Arsenal toward the end of the season the last 2 or 3 seasons running? When I watch Wigan play Arsenal at the end of the season, I’m always surprised they are a team on the verge of relegation.

Why is it so hard for Arsenal to have the same focus and intensity against Wigan that they had against Manchester City? Granted we could have had a couple of goals early on – Benayoun was unlikely twice and their goalie had “one of those games.”

Despite the two goals, Arsenal were actually much better in the first half than the second half. Arteta going off didn’t help matters either. From the sounds of it, he’s out for the season.

Candy comes in all shapes, sizes and flavors, which was a bit of the way Arsenal played today. So here it is – the candy edition of Arsenal player ratings.

Szczesny (Butterfinger) – No one better lay a finger on my Butterfinger. But, really, Szcz should have held the ball that led to the 2nd goal. It was a mad scramble in front of goal, but he’s just that good. For the rest of the game he was great (when called into action), but should have done better on goal 2.

Sagna (Mars) – Because that’s where Sagna played today. He was on another planet. He was eaten alive by Moses. I’ve never seen Sagna get owned like that and be that out of position. Easily one of the worst games of his career from this viewer’s perspective. On the 2nd goal, he got smoked by Moses.

Vermaelen (Lunatic Fringe) – There should be a candy called Lunatic Fringe – and it should be named after Vermaelen’s performance today. Holy shit. It was really hard to watch. For the first goal, Vermaelen sort of jogged back toward his goal when Wigan’s counter was on. Benayoun was the player who tracked back the best. He had a number of mental lapses today. The boy was all over the field – playing a CAM role almost more than anything else. A but unhinged today.

Djouro (Percy Pigs) – If you make pork gelatin look cute and give it a catchy name, does that mean it’s no longer pork gelatin? We dress him up like a CB and call him a CB, but is he really a CB? There’s something hidden beneath the otherwise normal looking surface that just isn’t right. Maybe he’s got some Squillaci gelatin in him somewhere (that doesn’t sound quite right).

Santos (Boston Baked Beans) – You thought they were beans, didn’t you? You didn’t realize they are really candy-coated peanuts. And you really thought Santos was a left back, didn’t you? Even though he was as high up the pitch as Vermaelen and defended about as well as my grandmother. I love the guy, though. He makes some great runs forward. Maybe he should be a winger….

Song (Cotton Candy) – Big, flashy presence but no real substance. It looks like there should be some “there” there but there just isn’t any “there”-ness. Song looked like he had just played about 6 games this past weekend. He just wasn’t tuned in, turned on, ready to go. Forced passes, lack of energy in the midfield and sloppy defending defined Song’s game today – and he wasn’t even the worst.

 

Rosicky (100 Grand Bar) – Rosicky is the only one that played with any real FOCUSED intensity. He was all over the field, trying to pressure in Wigan’s half of the field. He was extremely frustrated when he’d put pressure on the defensive backs or goalie and turn around to see the midfielders lollygagging around. He was Arsenal’s best player on the pitch. Although the 1-2 with Robin when he stole the ball in Wigan’s half summed up the game for Arsenal.

Ramsey (Tootsie Roll) – What does a Tootsie Roll look like? Or even Almond Roca? That’s right – a big fat turd. Now, I’m not calling for Arsene to sell Ramsey this summer. I think he’ll come good for Arsenal in a couple of years, but can he play any worse than he is playing right now? If ever an Arsenal player wanted a season to end, Ramsey must be ready for a summer break.

Walcott (Milk Duds) – Plain vanilla at best. The name says it all. Walcott seemed lost today. Actually, the whole right side looked completely out of their element today. Why Wenger left Walcott on and brought Benayoun off is beyond me.

 

Benayoun (M&M’s) – A bit of variety from Benayoun today. He was very industrious at times, faded out of the game at times. I actually thought it was harsh when he was subbed instead of Walcott. I think we would have gotten more production out of him for the rest of the game than Walcott.

 

Van Persie (Hershey Bar) – Plain chocolate without much pizzazz. RvP had a great shot on goal that was saved by Al Habsi and a great cut back to Santos, but faded in and out of the game. To be fair, nobody really stepped up today (other than Rosicky).

Arsenal Player Ratings v. Newcastle United – Automobiles Edition

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If Arsenal don’t stop this, I’m going to be dead of a heart attack before we move into 3rd place. Four comebacks in four consecutive PL games (a record). Two at the death. In terms of a euphoric sensation, it doesn’t get much better than what we experienced on Monday against Newcastle United.

The game on Monday we obviously were about as sharp in front of goal as a rusty spoon. We played well in midfield, played well defensively, created the chances in front of goal, but suddenly it seemed as if the Arsenal players made some sort of crazy bet in the locker room to see who could come up with the worst whiff from six yards out or less. Robin set the tone early on, then Rosicky said, “Oh yea, watch this.” Not wanting to be left out of the betting pool, Gervinho had to work extremely hard to miss from that close.

However, I absolutely love, love, love the fight we are seeing in this team at the moment. The “never say die” attitude. Sure, we got kicked in the balls pretty hard a few times, but we stood right back up and executed a wicked crane kick to the solar plexus while balancing on a moderately mended leg. And the best part is we’re getting some key players back from injury at just the right time. Could you imagine Wilshere, Chamberlain and Song running rampant in the midfield? I digress.

Anyway, ten more games to go, 30 points at stake, 5 teams still swirling around the Champion’s League whirlpool. Must. Stay. Focused.

For this game, automobiles seemed appropriate – some are more finely tuned and crafted then others, and every once in a while even your $300,000 car won’t start and needs to be towed. The Arsenal player ratings, the automobiles edition:

Szczesny (Lexus) – A luxury sedan that performs solidly and stops goals like the one that was scored on Monday 9 times of out 10. He’s the real deal, no doubt about it. A definite upgrade at goalkeeper from what we’ve had in the past (a Yugo and a Pacer).

Sagna (Volvo) – I am, of course, referring to the old-school Volvo here when it was still a Swedish company. When they were nothing flashy but extremely reliable cars before they were bought by Ford (and now some Chinese group). Sagna provided a solid, reliable presence on the pitch that (it appears to me) frees up Theo to feel more confident on the wing.

Vermaelen (Bulgatti) – Has some reliability issues from time to time (first goal for Newcastle), but when he decided to shine he decided to shine in a very dramatic fashion and steal the show. Not to mention the full sprint from one end of the field to the other to be in position to score the goal.

Koscielny (Citroen) – Not just saying Citroen just because he’s French. Not really the most attractive car in the world, but world-renown for its comfortable ride. Koscielny doesn’t always play the most attractive football, but there’s a sense of comfort when he’s in the game. Like everything is going to be ok.

Gibbs (Honda) – Solid car, solid performer. Nothing out of the ordinary, but very reliable and dependable. Had a minor blip when he let Ben Arfa turn on him for the first goal, but had a solid game nonetheless.

Song (Mack Truck) – Solid, does a tremendous amount of dirty work, doesn’t complain, stands its ground and doesn’t look for accolades. Song was key in the midfield on Monday, breaking up plays, keeping Newcastle from getting into a rhythm and showing his defensive steel.

Rosicky (Audi) – My personal favorite car brand in the world. Sleek, precisely tuned, superb handling, crisp execution. The perfect culmination of grit and finesse partnered with determination and creativity. Rosicky was a force to be reckoned with in the middle of the pitch. I’m torn between him and Walcott as my MOTM.

Arteta (Ford) – Decent enough car and will get you from point A to point B most of the time. Behind European models in terms of quality and precision, but usually gets the job done. Sort of your “Everycar” if you will. That was Arteta’s game on Monday. Fairly mundane but enough.

Walcott (Ferrari) – Ferrari’s break down a lot and can be expensive to repair, but when all the pieces come together and work in harmony, holy shit! Speed coupled with technique and a bit of football intelligence thrown in and Theo is close to unstoppable. He may be completely unreliable for the next race, but he was absolutely fantastic on Monday. Speed kills.

Chamberlain (Aston Martin) – Smooth, elegant and surprisingly powerful and speedy when you least expect it. Has reliability issues from time-to-time as well, but a thing of beauty when it’s on the road an performing at its peak. Chamberlain is looking stronger and stronger each game, hungry to play, no fear, willing to shoot from the outside and take on challengers.

Van Persie (Monster Truck)— Elegance and refinement be damned, I’m going to be in your face and do what needs to be done. RvP missed a shot that he should have made, scored a key goal that needed to happen, and basically got in the head of Tim Krul and refused to back down. Left some tire treads on a couple of players Monday.

Arsenal v. Tottenham — The Lord Of The Rings Edition

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It’s hard not to have a near-permanent smile etched on my face after yesterday’s game. There were some Spurs fans that showed up at Cuatro’s and were obnoxious as hell for the first 40 minutes, but the mood changed dramatically as the game pressed on. It was truly awesome.

The game was a tale of two halves. Not that Arsenal necessarily played poorly in the first half, but the second half was far more delicious and really washed the taste of cock out of the mouth.

The sharpness of the passing, the energy in the midfield, the quickness of Arsenal’s game in the second half (and toward the end of the first half) was a thing of beauty.

This post will be mostly positive, but I do have to say this. The game yesterday exemplifies why I both love and am frustrated by Arsenal in equal measure (ok, I really love Arsenal more than I’m frustrated by the club). We know they CAN play at this level. It would be nice to see us do so more consistently.

Ok, enough of the negative. Here are the player ratings for Arsenal from yesterday’s game:

Szczesny (Gimli) – Wasn’t the best player on the field for Arsenal, but certainly wasn’t the worst. Like Gimli, didn’t play a major role in the victory but had his moments. Also, wasn’t there a scene in on of the movies where Gimli stumbled awkwardly and fell down as the ball went over his head in slow motion and hit the back of the net?

Sagna (Legolas) – Strong, powerful and efficient in a very understated sort of way. Didn’t defeat Sauron all by himself, but the victory would never have happened without his involvement. The arrow into the back of the net for the first goal started the whole chain of events that led to the flaccid display by the cocks on a ball.

 

Vermaelen (Pippin) – He had a few anxious moments, especially at the beginning of the game, but improved as the game went on. Didn’t really emerge as a star of the game, but played a role throughout.

 

 

 

Koscielny (Ent) – Remember the scene in the Two Towers (I think it’s from that movie) when Saruman flooded the area around his tower to wash away the ents, but they just stood there and said, “Fuck You!” and proceeded to own his ass?

 

 

 

 

Gibbs (Merry) – See Vermaelen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Song (Aragorn) – Solid on both offense and defense. Broke up the Spurs midfield, created chances on the offensive side of the ball, was everywhere he needed to be. Went off and found some dead guys to help Arsenal out. Solid, solid play from Song.

 

 

 

Rosicky (The Ring) – He ran the show. The game revolved around him in so many ways. Swift passing, energetic, strong in the tackle, sublime goal. I could go on and on about Rosicky. He was king-for-a-day yesterday. Others stole the spotlight now and again, but he was the glue that bound them together. One Ring to outplay them all, One Ring to pass to them, One Ring to bring them all and in the winning ways bind them.

Arteta (Arwen) – Stayed mostly in the background, but a solid presence nonetheless. When he did step onto the main stage, had a significant impact. Besides having doe eyes for Song, I thought I saw him trundling off with a sick hobbit across a river of horses at some point as Spurs players tried to cross the river and got crushed. Oh, and they both have pretty hair.

 

Walcott (Frodo) – Torrid in the first half and flailing miserably, I think he completed more passes to Spurs players than Arsenal players. But played a major role in the second half that completely changed the storyline and resulted in some sort of magical ring melting in Tottenham.

 

 

 

Benayoun (Samwise) – While technically Frodo’s constant companion, Benayoun had a very solid game. Nothing outstanding, but a key reason we controlled the midfield the way we did. Provided quiet support all around to the attacking force up front. Pretty sure he killed a spider at some point during the game.

 

 

 

Van Persie (Gandalf)— Wow! He conjured a moment of magic in the first half that completely turned the game around. The goal was stunning and Bergkamp-esque. Didn’t one of the UK announcers say his left foot was like a wand?

Arsenal v. Sunderland Player Ratings — Star Wars Edition

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If you are an Arsenal fan, yesterday’s game against Sunderland was a reaffirmation of the importance of Thierry Henry as an Arsenal legend — his caliber and quality are beyond compare. It doesn’t get any more dramatic than that. To (sort of) quote Ray Hudson, it was orgasmic!

Overall, it was a solid performance from an Arsenal team, but unlike the game against Blackburn a week ago where everyone played out of their mind, yesterday’s game had some solid performances sprinkled with some mediocre performances tinged with a dash of “meh” to create a simmering stew of gutsy win.

And while this article is all about rating the players from yesterday’s game, the number system is really quite boring. So today we are going to rate the players’ performances based on Star Wars characters:

Szczesny (Han Solo): Frozen in carbonite (metaphorically speaking – you know, since he really didn’t have much to do for much of the first half), but came through in the clutch at a couple of very crucial moments of the game to keep Arsenal in it.

 

Sagna (X-Wing Pilot: Nothing flashy as he gets back up to speed after his injury. Good in defensive support and good going forward, but nothing earth shattering.

 

 

Mertesacker (ATAT): Remember the scene in Return of the Jedi when the ATAT gets its legs tangled in the harpoon rope thingy and falls flat on its face?

 

Koscielny (Obi Wan Kenobi): Another calm and assured performance from one of the best central defenders in the Premier League. One or two questionable plays, but otherwise a very solid, consistent outing.

 

Vermaelen (X-Wing Pilot): Similar to Sagna, Vermaelen had a decent enough game with nothing spectacular to show for it.

 

 

 

Song (Jedi Knight): Had a couple of moments of magic, especially when he moved back to the CB role after the collapse of “ATAT” Mertesacker.

 

 

Arteta (Obi Wan Kenobi): Nothing flashy or spectacular, but another solid performance from Arteta. Doesn’t want or need to be the main man, but can be a great mentor to the younger players.

 

Walcott (Jar Jar Binks): Fumbling and bumbling on the pitch. Shows tremendous potential, but doesn’t really know what to do with it. Wanted to see more of the cutting edge we saw in the Blackburn game. Frustrating game for Theo yesterday.

Rosicky (Leia): Played with energy and enthusiasm, but never really affected the plot.

 

 

Oxlade-Chamberlain (Luke Skywalker): Rippling with potential (technical ability, vision, awareness, change of pace, strength), but needs a bit more polish to be consistent on a regular basis. Not a bad performance yesterday, but we’ve seen better. Maybe if he spent a bit more time in the Dagobah System.

Van Persie (Darth Sidious): Not saying this because Robin is evil – he’s anything but because he plays for Arsenal, which makes him inherently good. However, he played more of an observer role yesterday and struck every now and again. Really just a now more than again.

SUBS

Henry (Yoda): A moment of magic before he drifts off into the Force (or returns to New York).

 

Ramsey (Han Solo): Much maligned for his recent play, stepped in at a key moment to completely turn the game around and ensure Luke had a clear shot at the ventilation shaft to make the game 1-1.

 

Arshavin (Ewok): Is there really any other character Arshavin could be? Otherwise uninvolved, showed up at the right place at the right time with a crucial play that completely sealed the victory for the Rebels (er, Arsenal).

Arsenal FC Need An Enema

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As I started to write this post, I wanted to go in one particular direction. I wanted to be more philosophical than analytical (because, let’s face it, introspection and soul searching are high on the priority list right now if you are associated in any way with AFC). But then I remembered some analytical thoughts I wanted to share. Of course, that threw me completely out of sorts with the singular direction I originally thought I wanted to go. The end result is a directionless post that is just a collection of random thoughts I’ve had (about Arsenal) the last couple of weeks. Enjoy.

  • Arsenal need an exorcism, cosmic cleansing, spiritual enema or whatever fits your particular theological persuasion. The number of bizarre events that happen to Arsenal is astounding. How many times can Arsenal lose a lead to a once-in-a-lifetime, long-range shot from a player that we never hear from again (quite a few times, apparently)? How many Arsenal players can break their legs (it sounds like the beginning of a joke – sadly, it isn’t)? This honestly goes beyond tactics and systems and players and coaches – this is God paying back Arsene for being French.
  • I can’t help but compare Arsene Wenger to Tom Landry. I was a huge Dallas Cowboys fan as a kid (still am). Tom Landry was (still is) an idol and a legend in Cowboys nation. Landry was a tremendous innovator, credited with creating the 4-3 defense that is now commonplace in the NFL. But at some point he lost the plot and was unceremoniously dismissed by Jerry Jones. I can’t help but think of Wenger and Landry in the same light. Wenger was a tremendous innovator and brought new training techniques and a style of play to the PL that was very refreshing. But somewhere along the way the game changed, and Wenger didn’t. Arsenal feel like a mid-level team that is bereft of new ideas. The story feels stale. I hope Wenger either rights the ship or leaves on his own terms before a Landry-esque adieu.
  • Ramsey. Do I really need to say anymore than that? Ramsey easily has to be the biggest disappointment so far this season. It’s almost painful to watch him play. He’s actually playing well for Wales, so it’s difficult to determine what’s going on in his head. I really hope Ramsey turns a corner at some point and showcases his vision and technical abilities in an Arsenal shirt soon – not only because I really want him to succeed, but because we really need him to succeed.
  • 4-3-3. No. 4-4-2. Yes.
  • We need a striker. A real striker. Robin is great, but he’s not a true striker. He’s a converted winger that likes to drop back into the midfield. Arsenal either need to go out and buy a real striker (Eduardo #2), or they need to let Walcott play in the striker role (at least give him a shot). For a team that claims to love to play attacking football, it’s amazing how few players are in the box for crosses and such.
  • Let Arshavin play in the playmaker role behind the forwards – he had the most assists on the team last season (17). Fabregas had 15. The next closest player was Wilshere with 9.
  • It feels like the Arsenal board and management are content to let us be an average team. Arsenal only have about 5 world class players at the moment, and 3 of them are sidelined with injuries (2 of them for an extended period). It feels as though there is a lack of ambition and drive to bring in top players, and Arsenal are adopting a “penny wise, pound foolish” approach to transfers.

I am – and will remain – an Arsenal fan for the rest of my days. I really and truly hope they get back on track and turn the season around, but I’m doubtful. I wrote back in May of this year at the end of last season that I expected us to have a Liverpool moment. I stick by that prognosis. I think they next 2-3 years at Arsenal are going to be tough for the fans, and I believe things will get darker before we see the light of day. But I’m there ‘til the end.