Tag Archives: Thierry Henry

Arsenal v. Milan Player Ratings – The Star Wars Edition Redux

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The game against Milan today is either the hardest game to analyze or the easiest. No analysis. Pages and pages of analysis. They are both the correct approach in their own right.

The thing I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that many of the players on Arsenal are exceptionally talented players, but seem to suck collectively as a team. There’s something there just out of reach, just at the periphery of vision that flits away when you try to look at it directly, something that’s looked at through a lens coated with Vaseline.

The lack of energy and fight was obvious today. But why? Did Arsene not prepare his team properly? Did the players go on a bender in Italy last night? Were they scared of the San Siro? Were they overconfident? Do they not have a “winning mentality”? I don’t know. I’m not even sure Arsene knows the answer at this stage.

Sure, Ox and Henry injected some energy into Arsenal in the 2nd half, but it was more of a brief blip on the heart monitor rather than an electrifying, life-giving, game-changing experience.

It was as if the Arsenal players were wearing their lethargy boots. Maybe it was the equipment manager’s fault. He accidentally brought the lethargy boots instead of the “give a shit” boots. I’ve seen MLS teams play better. Hell, I’ve seen college teams play better.

I was going to use a different player rating system, but fuck it. If Arsenal can be lazy, I can too. It’s back to Star Wars. And there’s really only one character that sums up the play today.

Szczesny (Jar Jar Binks): Didn’t make any terrible mistakes, but no one’s getting a free ride today.

Sagna (Jar Jar Binks): For the first time in as long a time as I can remember, Sagna looked lost in a game.

Vermaelen (Jar Jar Binks): Really just had a shit game from beginning to end.

Koscielny (Jar Jar Binks): Ditto. And then got injured.

Djourou (Jar Jar Binks): “Djourou” <As you say his name, your head slumps down and your voice drops at the end>

Song (Jar Jar Binks): Other than Henry, probably was the best player for Arsenal — which isn’t saying much.

Ramsey (Jar Jar Fucking Binks): My mother always said that if I can’t say anything nice, STFU.

Arteta (Jar Jar Binks): Game passed him by.

Walcott (Jar Jar Fucking Binks): Did he even show up for the game? Was he on the field? Oh, he was?

Rosicky (Jar Jar Binks): The Little Mozart was most definitely not in tune today.

Van Persie (Jar Jar Binks): Ok, he was probably a bit better than that, but it’s a collective Jar Jar Binks moment.

Henry (Jar Jar Binks): He really tried to inject some life into the team, but the players already on the pitch would have none of it.

Arsenal v. Sunderland Player Ratings — Star Wars Edition

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If you are an Arsenal fan, yesterday’s game against Sunderland was a reaffirmation of the importance of Thierry Henry as an Arsenal legend — his caliber and quality are beyond compare. It doesn’t get any more dramatic than that. To (sort of) quote Ray Hudson, it was orgasmic!

Overall, it was a solid performance from an Arsenal team, but unlike the game against Blackburn a week ago where everyone played out of their mind, yesterday’s game had some solid performances sprinkled with some mediocre performances tinged with a dash of “meh” to create a simmering stew of gutsy win.

And while this article is all about rating the players from yesterday’s game, the number system is really quite boring. So today we are going to rate the players’ performances based on Star Wars characters:

Szczesny (Han Solo): Frozen in carbonite (metaphorically speaking – you know, since he really didn’t have much to do for much of the first half), but came through in the clutch at a couple of very crucial moments of the game to keep Arsenal in it.

 

Sagna (X-Wing Pilot: Nothing flashy as he gets back up to speed after his injury. Good in defensive support and good going forward, but nothing earth shattering.

 

 

Mertesacker (ATAT): Remember the scene in Return of the Jedi when the ATAT gets its legs tangled in the harpoon rope thingy and falls flat on its face?

 

Koscielny (Obi Wan Kenobi): Another calm and assured performance from one of the best central defenders in the Premier League. One or two questionable plays, but otherwise a very solid, consistent outing.

 

Vermaelen (X-Wing Pilot): Similar to Sagna, Vermaelen had a decent enough game with nothing spectacular to show for it.

 

 

 

Song (Jedi Knight): Had a couple of moments of magic, especially when he moved back to the CB role after the collapse of “ATAT” Mertesacker.

 

 

Arteta (Obi Wan Kenobi): Nothing flashy or spectacular, but another solid performance from Arteta. Doesn’t want or need to be the main man, but can be a great mentor to the younger players.

 

Walcott (Jar Jar Binks): Fumbling and bumbling on the pitch. Shows tremendous potential, but doesn’t really know what to do with it. Wanted to see more of the cutting edge we saw in the Blackburn game. Frustrating game for Theo yesterday.

Rosicky (Leia): Played with energy and enthusiasm, but never really affected the plot.

 

 

Oxlade-Chamberlain (Luke Skywalker): Rippling with potential (technical ability, vision, awareness, change of pace, strength), but needs a bit more polish to be consistent on a regular basis. Not a bad performance yesterday, but we’ve seen better. Maybe if he spent a bit more time in the Dagobah System.

Van Persie (Darth Sidious): Not saying this because Robin is evil – he’s anything but because he plays for Arsenal, which makes him inherently good. However, he played more of an observer role yesterday and struck every now and again. Really just a now more than again.

SUBS

Henry (Yoda): A moment of magic before he drifts off into the Force (or returns to New York).

 

Ramsey (Han Solo): Much maligned for his recent play, stepped in at a key moment to completely turn the game around and ensure Luke had a clear shot at the ventilation shaft to make the game 1-1.

 

Arshavin (Ewok): Is there really any other character Arshavin could be? Otherwise uninvolved, showed up at the right place at the right time with a crucial play that completely sealed the victory for the Rebels (er, Arsenal).